CAMARADERIE AT THE BAR

A One-Act Play

Three Characters

New York City

It is late afternoon.  Three people are in the interior of a New York neighborhood bar, a bar for blue-collar working people and retired East European workers.  A WOMAN in her forties (FRANCINE) is sitting on a stool at the corner of the bar counter near the door.  SHE is paying no attention to anyone else in the room.  There is only one other CUSTOMER at the bar.  HE is a male in his mid-thirties (CHUCK).  The middle-aged WOMAN BARTENDER is polishing glasses, wiping the bar, etc.  The atmosphere is subdued and quiet.

                                                                       CHUCK

(to bartender)

...And so I decided to leave Philly and move back to New York.  Anyway, I used to live in the Big Apple for years.  I grew up in this area, f'Christ's sake.

(HE speaks in a friendly manner and

attempts to include FRANCINE in his

conversation.  The WOMAN ignores him

and continues to drink and stare into

her glass)

                                                                       CHUCK

(cont)

And, believe it or not, the thing I remember most is the way New York's Finest used to keep the streets safe.  I mean, they had patrols out all the time.  Everywhere!

                                                                  BARTENDER

(guffawing)

That must have been a long time ago.

                                                                       CHUCK

(nodding)

It was.  But, I mean, OK, this ain't the worst area of the city, but, you know, I been looking out the window now since I came in; what's that, maybe an hour, hour-and-a-half, and not once have I seen a cop out on that street.                                               

                                                                  BARTENDER

Well, don't hang by your thumbs until you do.  I been workin' here for about three years and I never seen no boys-in-blue pass by either.

                                                                       CHUCK

You're puttin' me on.

                                                                  BARTENDER

(nodding toward FRANCINE)

Ask her.  What say, Francine?  New York's Finest been on patrol around here lately?

(FRANCINE slowly takes a drink, puts

down the glass and motions for ano-

ther one)

                                                                    FRANCINE

By helicopter, maybe.

                                                                       CHUCK

(shaking his head)

I don't understand it.  This used to be a really well-patrolled area.  You mean the boys-in-blue never patrol here on foot?

                                                                  BARTENDER

Not since I been here. 

(CHUCK rises and draws a revolver from

inside his jacket)

                                                                       CHUCK

That's just fine, friend.  Thanks for your help.  Now, you ladies relax and nobody's gonna get hurt.

(The BARTENDER stops wiping the glass

and stares.  SHE moves toward the

counter)

                                                                       CHUCK

(menacingly)

I said relax!

(The BARTENDER moves back)

                                                                       CHUCK

Right.  Now this will just take a minute.

(to the BARTENDER)

Empty the register...I mean fast!  I want all the money up on the counter.

                                                     .

(to FRANCINE)

You too, sweetheart.

(The BARTENDER opens the cash

register and scoops out the

money.  SHE places it on the bar)

                                                                       CHUCK

And your purse!

(The BARTENDER sullenly places her

purse on the bar.  CHUCK dumps out

its contents and takes some bills.

FRANCINE has not moved.  He looks

over her cell phone.)

                        CHUCK

Jesus, how old is this phone?

                                    BARTENDER

Old.  But I need it, so leave it.

                                    CHUCK

Oh, you givin’ the orders now?

                                    BARTENDER

You won’t get squat for that and you know it.  But I need the numbers.

            (CHUCK throws the watch on the bar counter.  The

            BARTENDER picks it up.)

                                                                       CHUCK

Watches, too, folks.  (staring at FRANCINE)  Didn't you hear me, lady?

                                                                    FRANCINE

If you're talking to me then you're not talking to a lady.  Anyway, I didn't bring any money.  I just came out to walk my dog.

(CHUCK walks slowly toward her,

relaxing his arm, and lets the gun

point toward the floor.  HE walks

up very close to her and leans toward

her, one hand on the bar)

                                                                       CHUCK

(grinning)

No money, huh?

                                                                    FRANCINE

Flat out.

                                                                       CHUCK

Well, then, maybe you can tell me just how you were planning to pay for your drink if you don't have any money on you.

(FRANCINE swallows hard and remains

silent for a few long seconds.  SHE

then looks CHUCK right in the eyes

and speaks without smiling)

                                                                    FRANCINE

I was going to piss nickels.

(CHUCK is taken aback.  HE starts to

smile and guffaw but is also uncertain

and angry)

                                                                       CHUCK

Look, lady, that's cute.  Very cute.  But I believe in treating women the same as men, you know?  And if you don't hand over some bucks real fast, I'll do to you just what I'd do to a man.  You understand that, lady?

                                                                    FRANCINE

I told you.  I'm not a lady and I don't have any money.  In fact, you'll have to lend me money for the machine.  Got a favorite?  Otherwise, it's Randy Travis time again.

(SHE holds out her hand for money.

CHUCK is even more nonplussed.

HE looks toward the BARTENDER

partly for confirmation in his

belief that the WOMAN must be

crazy and partly in fear that

her courage might spread to her.

HE rubs his face with his left

hand and decides HE cannot allow

himself to lose face any further.

His face breaks into a slight

smile and HE shakes his head.  HE

then slaps FRANCINE suddenly and

viciously across the face)

(The BARTENDER again makes a move

toward whatever it is SHE keeps

under the counter but stops when

CHUCK points the revolver at her)

                                                                    FRANCINE

(rubbing her face)

Don't like country-and-western, huh?  Some people don't.  But I wish you hadn't done that; you smeared my make-up.  Now I'll have to sic my dog on you.  (SHE looks behind him)  Get him, Rosco!

(CHUCK jumps and pivots awkwardly

swinging the gun around.  HE sees

no dog.  HE turns back to FRANCINE)

                                                                    FRANCINE

You're a real asshole, you know that?  You just fell for the oldest trick in the book.  No wonder you have to rob bars for a living. 

(CHUCK approaches her while pointing

the gun at her chest)                                                  

                                                                       CHUCK

Lady, are you nuts?  This is a stick-up.  This is a gun.  It shoots real bullets.  I am a bad man.  Don't you know the cops advise people to give up their money in situations like this?  You're not supposed to play hero, lady; it ain't healthy.

(FRANCINE throws back her head and

laughs.  SHE finishes her drink,

then slowly gets up off the stool

and walks to the door)

                                                                       CHUCK

Hey!  Where you goin?  Get back here!

                                                                       CHUCK

You bore me, sonny.  (to the bartender)  See you tomorrow, Ilsa.

(SHE exits as CHUCK shouts after her)

                                                                       CHUCK

Hey!  Hey!  Get back here!  Goddamn you!...Bitch!

(HE turns slowly and looks at

the BARTENDER)

                                                                       CHUCK

What the hell is the matter with that broad?  She dying of cancer or something?

(HE scoops up the money and watch)

                                                                  BARTENDER

Maybe she's had more than enough.

(CHUCK walks to the door stuffing

the money, wallet and watch into

his pockets)

                                                                       CHUCK

Yeah.  Yeah, that must be it.  She must'a been drunk.  That explains it.  But you see what happens when you let a broad drink?  She does crazy things.  She don't play by the rules.

(HE opens the door and pockets the gun)

There's rules to things, y'know.

(HE exits)

(The BARTENDER pours herself a shot

of Jack Daniels, stares at it as if

deliberating a mystery, then un-

hurriedly drinks it down.  SHE puts

down the glass and picks up her cell phone)

                                                                  BARTENDER

Operator.  Get me the desk sergeant at the 9th precinct...No, no emergency.  Just a...I just want to report an infringement of the rules.

                                                                   BLACKOUT