Welcome to my website.  Unlike the universe, this website has a purpose: to offer rants, tirades, opinions and discussion about books on Thailand, give an overview of nightlife in Thailand and, yes, to provide a few news items which might not appear elsewhere.  And to have some fun.

Bar, club and restaurant owners who would like to send material on their special events, birthday bashes, anniversary parties, etc., are welcome to do so but please remember men in Thailand are a bit jaded so if you’re just going to offer the usual free gourmet food and free full band entertainment and free beautiful and eager-to-please women, well, the lads have been there, done that. So do try to offer potential patrons something special. ;-)

There is a contest every month when this column appears and the first to answer the question correctly or identify a photograph correctly will receive vouchers worth at least 4,000 baht in food and drink, i.e., 500 baht each, from Larry's Dive, Shadow Bar, The Old Dutch, the Big Mango, Electric Blue, The Duke of Wellington pub, Doll House and Bourbon Street Restaurant. The prizes will build up in case anyone doesn't win it immediately so the bonanza for the eventual winner could get quite interesting.  It will double to 8,000 and, if still no winner, to 12,000, etc.  Second prize is a "I Support Single Moms" T-shirt.  Third prize is an After Dark calendar.  And please remember a part of all money received from the sale of my books goes to needy Thais (in the form of payment to go go dancers, waitresses and hostesses).

STARTING THIS COLUMN: NEW SPECIAL BARBAR FETISH CLUB PRIZE!  SEE BELOW FOR DETAILS.

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AROUND

AND ABOUT OUR FAIR CITY

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I hadn't taken a stroll down the Sukhumvit Soi 33 lane with the Green Parrot, etc., for some time, so decided it was time.  It was a Saturday night about ten yet the soi was dead as a doornail.  So a friend and I ventured into the new place, Hookers, to see what we could see.  What we saw was a guy behind the bar and one Entertainment Provider (EP) sitting near the bar.  No customers.  So we sat down, the EP came over and I bought her a drink.  Nice looking lady, great legs, etc., but in Thai or English not really much of a conversationalist.  You know the type.  Looks but no personality.  She did point out that there were rooms upstairs and for 3300 baht everything was included.  I passed on the offer but thanked her profusely.

Eventually, after about 15 minutes, four more EPs entered and went upstairs to change from street clothes into outfits more appropriate for their working establishment.  When they came down, they went into a corner opened a bottle and had a good time chatting with one another - kind of like they were already home or something.   

Hookers is nicely laid out and, as Hemingway would describe it, a clean, well-lighted place.  An intelligent design.  But it puzzles me why anyone in their right mind would want to open yet another bar on Soi 33, especially during a time when the tourists and even locals are few and far between.  I was told the fellow who owns Spanky's bars owns this.  I didn't ask to confirm as I don't care that much about who owns what; only what the women are like.  Yeah, yeah, I know, I am an immature sexist, etc., etc., but if you care about who owns what bar go read somebody else.  I love feminine pulchritude. 

And, by the way, my friend recognized at least one of the girls from the Nana Plaza Spanky's. In any event, I have been to Spanky's in Nana Plaza three times and each time noticed the girls are quite good looking, a nice place.  I once ventured into the one in Patpong and noticed the girls' looks were, to be kind, embarrassing.  In my fear that one might venture over, I swilled some beer and got out.  I simply cannot understand how bars in these sois expect to make money.  The only way would be to build up a local, loyal clientele which I think is what a few bar owners understand.  Still, if you feel the urge to invest in something that is almost guaranteed to lose you money, I have a musical I want to get on Broadway.  At least, then, you can call yourself a patron of the arts. 

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Coyote dancers show off their hats.  And some curvaceous flesh as well.

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Believe it or not, there are girls who two or three times a night are barfined for casual stays AKA short time and get three or four thousand baht each time.  I have had more than one bar owner point out one of his girls getting it.  The girl is invariably good looking with great everything.  But, four thousand baht short time?!  I guess there must be some Big Spenders around.  Or some very drunk men.  Or some very stupid guys...

I had a very good looking lady up to my apartment not long ago.  We had a fine time and she went in to take her shower and I pointed to a hairdryer and said you can use that if you want to.  And, pointing to what is left of my hair, she said: "Oh, you need a hairdryer just for that?"  Needless to say, that is one wench who shall not darken my doorway again.

The Lone Star Saloon - black waterfall

Despite the downturn in the economy, floods, lingering red shirt AKA Taksin Rent-a-Mob problems, downturn in tourism, etc., there are a lot of optimists out there.  As I mentioned last time, there are one or two more pubs which will eventually open on Sukhumvit soi 23.  One of them is farther in and also farther from Soi Cowboy than even the Queen Victoria pub.  The Queen Victoria pub is a great spot, good food, good service, and I often go there for breakfast.  But lazy buggers that we are walking from a brightly lit Soi Cowboy over to Queen Victoria pub in the evening - a walk of about 25 seconds - seems too much for us.  But yet this new pub will be farther from Cowboy.  So why would anyone want to open there?  Especially now?  Dunno.  But I have heard it will stress golf somehow and that there are six partners.  Six!  When I was in the publishing business I could have made a lot more money if I had gone into business with two of my friends.  But I know how it is with partners and decided to remain a loner.  But six?!  I mean let's assume the pub does make some money, will it make enough to pay off the investments and future profits of six partners?  I wish them well; just happy I am not one of the six.

I seldom discuss or complain about beer prices but I must say some of these bars now on Cowboy and Nana seem to forget guys have alternatives.  Some of the beer prices are on the level of Manhattan beer prices, especially with the fall of the US dollar against the baht.  Some of my friends recently took the two-hour bus ride to Pattaya and raved about the beauty and friendliness of the women, the lower costs of beer and barfine, and the better attitude of the working girls compared to Bangkok.  Food for thought...

I read a one-paragraph article somewhere that said a Norwegian in Phuket had jumped (?) to his death in Phuket.  Yes, you read that right: Not Pattaya but Phuket.  Don't tell me the farang-falling-from-the-balcony disease has spread to Phuket!

Strolling down Soi Cowboy and was handed a small leaflet informing me that Club Insomnia is now open on Sukhumvit, soi 12.  "99thb drinks from 10 pm - midnight including grey goose and johnnie walker gold."  I haven't been there yet but soi 12 is where the Crepes restaurant is as well as Condoms and Cabbages as well as the Darling Massage Parlor.  So I might eventually check it out.  The Darling is far from what it used to be in the old days but the restaurants are great.

This is the sign for a new movie which the moviemakers from America placed about the Cactus bar on soi Cowboy.  "Siam Sam's" !?  Give me a fucking break!  How stupidly Hollywood can you get?  It may be for Hangover 2 but the name itself conjures up some stupid image of a yokel who has never been to Bangkok.  However, Cactus John's announcement was a classic:

OK, now pay attention!  Because the drugstore in the photo above is located on Sukhumvit near the corner of Soi Nana and they have the cheapest price in town for Kamagra Gel.  I have found it for 100 baht and 90 baht but this store sells it for only 70 baht.  They even had mint flavor.  Of course, like me, you probably don't ever use the stuff but carry it for your friends in case they need it, right?  Had a nice chat with Dave the Rave at Angelwitch.  Angelwitch and the Rainbow bars still doing well; no surprise there.  While I was on the second balcony looking down at the square below, a ladyboy stood close by and I asked if they were planning on leaving the area as it is.  She said yes.  So there it is, nothing new planned for the space below.  So I've been told by a knowledgeable source, anyway.  Of course the Bamboo Pub is on Sukhumvit soi 3 but they do have a decent place to shoot pool, etc.  Also, you should know there is a new hotel coming up next to and above the Bookazine on Sukhumvit near soi 5.  That is why all the area is getting ready for construction.  But later in the evening as I made my way home I noticed the usual crowd of Entertainment Providers standing along the sidewalk - girls, ladyboys, Africans, etc. - so nothing has really changed.

I stopped in the Playskool a go go, also in Nana Plaza.  This bar I call the roller-coaster bar because over a many-year period I have seen it go up and down in the quality of the girls, etc.  This time I am pleased to say the girls were really moving and there were some very good-looking ones.  Maybe not quite the stunners of Rainbow 4 but the Rainbow 4 girls were just shuffling along on stage while the Playskool girls were really dancing.

I bought a drink for a really cute one who said she was 18 and used to work in an office and had been at Playskool for three months.  She was so cute I can't quite believe guys in an office could concentrate on their work with her around but then I know, I know, I was born oversexed.  Anyway, I asked her name, where she was from, etc.  She asked me nothing but kept watching the girls dance.  So, finally, in my best Thai (which isn't saying much) I told her I would teach her a few things.  First, ask the customer his name, then where he is from.  You might even thank him for the drink.  And, this goes beyond the pale of most go go dancers these days, but you might even PRETEND YOU HAVE SOME INTEREST IN TALKING WITH HIM.  She listened intently and smiled and continued watching the girls dance.  But then I thought: isn't this what bars have mama-sans for?  Why do I have to teach these girls how to milk customers for drinks?

I made the long journey underground from Sukhumvit/Cowboy station to Radjadaphisek Road.  No, this time it was not in search of the perfect massage.  I had a load of floppy disks I wanted to put on a DVD.  If you don't know what a floppy disk is just ask your grandfather, OK?  Anyway, I suspected I had some things on the floppies that had never been transferred into my computer and of course nobody is making computers with slots for floppy disks anymore.

So I went to Fortune IT where the other day it took me close to an hour of hitting shop after shop before I found the one that can do it.  And they speak good English and were very nice.  The fellow even said if he had to he could probably even transfer the older, larger floppies onto a DVD.  (Ask your great-granddad about those.)  So should you or yours have such a need, just head out to Fortune IT and go to the third floor.  It is called Pro Corner.  You can also e-mail the guy: kenkom@hotmail.com.

Rumor-Control Headquarters has it that a farang was beaten to death by the Iranian bar owner's security staff, in this case Midnite bar.  That he was beaten inside and again at the bottom of the soi.  I could not confirm that and one bar owner at the end of the soi knew nothing about it.  Which is strange because a friend knew a girl who knew a girl who knew a girl who saw the guy collapse right outside that particular bar.  Girls said he was about 30 and handsome, etc.  I did see one of the Iranian's thugs sitting outside Midnite with a bandage of his face, whatever that means.  Finally I checked with the manager of another bar who said it is all exaggerated.  That the guy had left Dollhouse bar and tried to get into Midnite without a shirt on and they turned him away and he went back and got a shirt on and went back to Midnite and before things got too out of hand the guardians of Dollhouse and another bar went to rescue him as they knew the guy.  So much for the Great Midnite Murder Caper.

Regardless, as every Bangkok columnist has been repeating over and over do NOT patronize any of the six bars owned by the Iranian unless you like padded bills and problems.  And, no, I do not discriminate against individual Muslims, so I don't care where the owner is from or what his ethnic background is -  I have friends who were overcharged in those bars repeatedly and who have girlfriends who left the employ of those bars because of it.  Another friend saw a guy being manhandled just because he went in to look inside one of the bars but turned to leave.  So you have been warned.

Having said that, if you still insist on letting the eye candy lure you inside here is some breaking news:

the coyotes at Kiss are starting to barfine with customers.  Apparently under pressure from management to do so at Deja Vu as well. Who knows?  Common sense may yet prevail.

Thanksgiving: Texas Lone Star Saloon & Moonshine Pub.  Free food and friendly ladies: can't ask for more than that.

The More Things Change, The More They Don't

"...Moreover the wanderer too often finds on re-visiting his native shores, that the friends of his earlier days are either removed by the hand of death - or that time and circumstances have so changed them, that for him they might as well not be.  This destroys much of the charm of home - added to the fact of having in the course of his foreign career contracted new intimacies strengthened by business, habit or necessity.  In addition to this, an Eastern clime has probably engendered habits of indolence, indulgence and exercise of authority which he finds entirely out of harmony with English pursuits and ideas.  Our cold and cloudy climate proves too chilly for his enervated frame.  He has probably been accustomed to the excitement and mental occupation of business, and after a few months, finds holiday-making very irksome after the engrossing and profitable pursuits of commercial competition, and dollar-hunting.  In short, a lengthened residence in the East thoroughly unfits a man physically and morally for an English home." - Eyewitness to Hong Kong, written in 1857

"It seemed to me that by a long journey to some far distant country I might renew myself...I journeyed to the Far East.  I went looking for adventure and romance, and so I found them...but I found also something I had never expected.  I found a new self..."

"He was fed up with London.  He hated it.  He was going to get out and this time he'd get out for good.... When they got to Suez and he felt the first touch of the East he knew he had done the right thing.  Europe was finished.  The East was the only place."  W. Somerset Maugham, The Gentleman in the Parlour 1923

By the old Moulmein Pagoda, lookin' eastward to the sea,
There's a Burma girl a-settin', and I know she thinks o' me;
For the wind is in the palm-trees, and the temple-bells they say:
"Come you back, you British soldier; come you back to Mandalay!" - Rudyard Kipling ( 1865-1936)

"You go away for a long time and return a different person - you never come all the way back." 
— Paul Theroux (Dark Star Safari: Overland from Cairo to Capetown)

I like these quotes especially the first written in 1857 Hong Kong because the feeling expressed way back then is so similar to the way it is now.  As when I go back to the States to look up old friends and they are so much into their own corner of their world and town and usually talk a lot about TV shows or possibly politics.  But, somehow, the gap has widened into a chasm.  No matter how well I knew them years or decades before, if they have lived in the States since I knew them, we have so little in common now.  Khun Nana has written about this very well in his column: about how when he goes back to the States and calls his buddy to come out for a beer he learns that the buddy's wife doesn't approve of him going out without her - or at all.  As Thomas Wolfe said, "You can't go home again."

(published in Nation) Letter to the Editor

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OH, NO, HERE WE GO AGAIN

Dear Customer,

Following our previous notes of Frontpage server extensions availability on our servers, we would like to inform you that on 01.01.2011, Frontpage extensions will be removed completely from all our servers in the US datacenter.

FrontPage server extensions were discontinued by Microsoft back in 2006, and they are extremely outdated. There is no vendor support for them for a long time, which makes them incompatible with most modern software (for example, Apache 2.x).

It seems that you have FrontPage extensions enabled for the 'www' subdomain on your account.

IMPORTANT: You need to take immediate actions to stop using the FrontPage server extensions on our servers.

Note that the server extensions are needed ONLY for dynamic components of FrontPage. Even without the extensions, you can still create your site with FrontPage and publish it over FTP (instead of HTTP). Etc., etc., etc.

I had thought when I went through that last time, it was all OK now.  It is not certain if this site will be affected or not but I am taking a wait and see attitude.  So if you do not see this column on January 1, it means there is a FrontPage problem or else I am hung over or both. 

My friend Harold Stephens who has written close to 35 books on Asia has met Paul Theroux a few times and mentioned that Paul said he is taking a teaching job as no one is reading books anymore.  I hope this isn't really happening; because if Paul Theroux needs to take a job what hope is there for the rest of us? 

By the way, getting Asia Books/Bookazine (now one company) to stock up enough copies of Permanent Damage is like pulling teeth.  Some of their stores have it, many do not.  Many people have told me they cannot find it so I can say for sure that as of now there are copies at Asia Books Siam Paragon, Kinokuniya Siam Paragon, Kinokuniya Emporium and P&S bookstore within the Four Seasons Hotel.  Any bookstore can order it and have it for you within one or two days, same with any of my titles.

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 Beijing - Nine Nights, Ten Days

Chinese girls dressed Manchu-style in Beihai Park

Museums, parks, temples, waitresses and, of course, a Hooters' girl

Police van with studded sides to smash bad guys off the road, bookstore on Wangfujing shopping area

Beijing University gate;A Homeless woman; inside the beautiful new Beijing library building, temple roof

Scenes of Beijing; Forbidden City; and the famous Wangfujing shopping street

Tian An Men Square swarming with police and soldiers; a Hooters girl at Halloween

Police SWAT vehicle; Forbidden City & the Altar of Heaven and Wangfujing

Confucius Temple; a famous bookstore; lots of modern shopping centers

Confucius temple: A famous hutong or lane of Beijing & students inside a hutong cafe

Project 798: Formerly a factory area, now a famous area for artists, sculptors, etc.

Signs along a lane depicting traditional Chinese occupations

OK, so with reflection, singing the Taiwan national anthem in mandarin to the Hooters girls in Beijing may not have been my smartest move.  But, hey, if people are going to ply me with frozen margaritas I'm not responsible for my actions.  Anyway, they enjoyed hearing it.  They had never heard it before.  That of course is the point.  No one in mainland China has heard it because there is probably a 20-year jail sentence for singing it.  After all, China considers Taiwan a renegade province and Taiwan considers itself an independent nation with a national anthem.  But nobody turned me in and Hooters was fun; as most places are after a few frozen margaritas.

It had been eight or nine years since I had visited Beijing and I decided the time had come to go again.  I needed to do some research and once I realized that Beijing now has its very own Hooters I decided I definitely needed to get up there.

At Beijing Airport I gave the taxi driver an address in Mandarin without mentioning a hotel name so he would think I was a local.  Eventually we began to have a conversation except in addition to having the diminuitive "r" suffix at the end of just about every word, it was as if he had marbles in his mouth: "rrrrrrrrr".  (No motorcycle taxis in Beijing but there are a few weird contraptions here and there - middle picture, fourth row down.)  Anyway, the hotel, the Kapok, was an excellent choice as it is located about ten minutes to the Forbidden City and in the other direction ten minutes to the  Wangfujing shopping area.  To be right up front about it, despite its many attractions, Beijing is a huge city, it gets cold as hell as I was about to find out, traffic is bad, pollution is a disaster and, as the capital, it has police and military and guards all over the place.  I am sure I could find a pleasant area to live in this city but, given the choice, I would most likely choose to live in Shanghai.

Of the classic signs of a Chinese beauty I found only one, i.e., "hair as black as a raven's wing."  But, if my understanding of the exchange rate is correct, to have that lovely fine hair as black as a raven's wing draped across my pillow would be far more than I can afford, esp. as not enough of you have been buying my books (you know who you are).  But as one door closes another opens.  In the Metro Beijing paper the headline is:

"CAMPUS CONCUBINES SHOW VICTORY OF MONEY OVER MORALS.  "It is not uncommon to see a long line of luxury cars or limos in front of universities famous for having pretty girls.  And on weekends, it is normal to see dressed-up girls being escorted into waiting cars, their laughter cut off with the slam of a door..."

I think you will agree that this is disgusting and unprofessional.  I don't mean old men snagging young girls, I mean the fact that the idiot who wrote the article did not specify which Beijing universities and there are a lot of them so I
had to go out and try to save one or two of these poor babies from living a decadent, rich, affluent existence when they could be with me in my Bangkok apartment ironing my shirts.
 

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Random Thoughts from a Strange Studio

Up until about the mid-1980's or a bit later, I avidly read every novel or book of short stories written on Thailand I could find.  Well written or not, I felt I could always learn something and sometimes even poorly written novels can have a few interesting qualities.  But at some point I found they were coming out so fast there was no way I could keep up with them.  And now these days every guy from the West who got laid in Thailand is sure he has a novel in him and that there will be a big audience for it.  He may even pay someone to print it for him.  Whatever, with the Thai fiction bookstands full of novels, I find that unless I hear it from a source I respect I pretty much stick to the tried-and-true novelists I know who know Thailand well (assuming even the Thais know Thailand well - let alone farangs).  Because there is some very good writing being done on Thailand as well as some writing by folks who might want to find another occupation.  Either because they don't know enough about Thailand or because they can't write. 

But as I know there is some fine writing being done, I am always careful never to generalize on those writing Thai fiction.  Because if you use a broad brush and, for example, condemn them all, that would indicate that A. you have read them all or B. you are a genius or C. you are are an embittered wannabe novelist who can't cut the mustard.  Well, we have a genius among us and his name is Andrew Biggs.  As I doubt any human being could possibly have read even the majority of novels on Thailand, and as he's busy pushing his language classes, he must therefore fit into category B. or C.  Probably both.  Here is what he has to say:

Now in case you don't know who Andrew Biggs is he is the court jester to Thailand.  He speaks fluent Thai and has a bald head and protruding ears, a combination which Thais find hilarious.  A kind of chrome-dome comedian pandering to the easily amused.  And he has carefully perfected his image as much as he has perfected his language skills and he milks it for all it is worth.  Does he ever!  He mentions Skytrain to Murder but never quotes from it so it is not even clear if he has read it.  Maybe he just finds the title as funny as the Thais find his bald head and his clumsy efforts to ingratiate himself with them.  (Tip: Regardless of how fluent one is in Thai, down deep Thais have very little respect for farangs doing the bow-and-scrape.) 

He also writes for the Establishment Paper - the Bangkok Post - on Sundays and I have noticed his painful efforts to be funny in writing as well.  Unfortunately, he falls flat as he hasn't developed the skills of a humorist and, yes, it is painful to read.  Playing to a Thai audience from the stage and writing humor for a largely farang audience are two very different things.

I do have enormous admiration for anyone who can learn the language as well as he has but I remember I knew a fellow at East West Center in Hawaii who spoke five languages and he was a complete idiot.  (But at least he could be a complete idiot in five languages.) But I have learned over the years that language skill does not necessarily a bright boy maketh.  It takes breathtaking arrogance and mind-boggling hubris to condemn all writers writing fiction on Thailand (or anywhere else) but Andrew Biggs must know because, well, he must be a genius.  Like religious fanatics, this expert on all things Thai doesn't need to read books to know they are bad. 

I could name at least six writers who have had wonderful reviews in the West (and locally) and who have had at least one novel optioned for film in L.A. or in England or both.  And who know Thailand well.  Very well.  And who know how to write.  And, of course, having first arrived in Thailand in 1966, and seen Thailand then and now; and having seen Thailand over the years through the eyes of a soldier, Chinese linguist, traveler, English teacher, writer, editor, publisher, reprobate, I like to think I might actually have a few insights worth reading.  And having been a New York City Mystery Writers of America board member and Dramatist Guild member, that I might know a bit about writing. 

But, no.  Andrew Biggs - the puffed-up popinjay - has condemned us all to the fires of hell worse than those specified in the hate-filled Koran.  No exceptions.  Perhaps the law should require a neon sign flashing above this bloviating buffoon's head at all times: QUIET!  GENIUS AT WORK!

Over the decades I have run into people like Biggs.  They were farangs who lived in Thailand or had lived in Thailand for years and when it came to understanding Thailand they were invariably full of themselves.  I am sorry to say it was often Peace Core Workers or ex-Peace Core Workers, but, of course, not always.  It wasn't enough that they wanted you to know that they could speak excellent Thai; they also wanted you to know that they knew the food, culture, music, politics, etc., etc.  Like Andrew Biggs their ego was enormous.  Gargantuan.  And that is the danger.  This baldheaded blowhard has such a huge ego that at some point I fear it will explode.  Very much like a suicide bomber setting off his explosives to join with the 72 virgins.  And then the poor Thai cleanup workers in special protective gear will have to spend days scraping up his ego from the ground and surrounding buildings and sweep up what is left of innocent bystanders incinerated by Ego.  And, as with Chernobyl, the area will have to be evacuated for some time.  So don't get too close.

Latest Progress on the House Being Built across from the Farang to Keep him Awake

Father, I Have Sinned

A novel set in Thailand about the plight of an English teacher fighting pedophilia.  Now there's a twist.  And, just to show miracles do happen, the author not only has a signing but a signing in - wait for it - the Texas Lone Star Saloon.  Saturday, December 18th, 1 p.m. to 5 p.m.  Lone Star ladies in attendance, of course.