Meanwhile: Back at St. Moritz, Sukhumvit Soi 11
Two friends of mine have joined St. Moritz and are enjoying the place.
I like being invited there as a guest; I don't pay anything unless of course I
agree with the mama-san that one of the girls should sit with me. They had
an interesting beauty contest on stage the other night. But remember if
you are not a member it costs 1,000 baht to get in. One of
the two friends is going to join Pegasus so he should have some good comparisons
for us.
*********************
*********************
Exit Ladyboys
Alas, for those who love variety, Mambos is gone from Washington Square.
Doesn't it look forlorn? But, hey, a new sports bar is opening underneath
in the not too distant future, so there is a silver lining.
*********************
*********************
What's Up?
So regardless of Red Shirts and Blue Shirts and Yellow Shirts, life goes
on... My life has gone on pretty much as usual: I got Bronchitis, my
computer up and died before I could transfer a whole shitload of crucial things,
my ten-year-old phone refused to be recharged anymore, and the beautiful woman I
bedded in Macau from northeast China spoke mandarin with what sounded like a tuk
tuk backfiring-accent. I was planning on discussing sex in Macau this time
around but as all my slides are still on the hard drive of the dead computer
(and might or might not be retrieved) I won't be doing that this column.
I don't know about you, but I hate to spend the time learning about the
latest technology. So the ten-year-old phone served me well but it was
getting more and more reluctant to be recharged so finally I had to break down
and buy a new one. Needless to say, the simplest I could find: I wanted no
internet connection, no high resolution camera, no MP3 function, no touch-screen
controls, no G.P.S., no bullshit of any kind. And I'm quite happy with the
Nokia I got for 1080 baht.
But, as I had guessed, when you buy a more modern computer, there will be
some hassles. For example, the printer I have has a cord with a parallel
connection at both ends. And of course modern computers don't have those
anymore. So that means trying to install the printer I bought last year
but abandoned when I saw the accompanying chart had 17 steps to setup. But
I do have to say this 22-inch Asus monitor screen looks great. And it has an
embedded webcam, not that anybody particularly would want to see me, not would I
wish to be seen.
It is only natural that if we are not mechanically inclined, and love books,
as we get older we fall farther and farther behind the learning curve of
technology. But there is so much time-wasting bullshit online that I am
pleased not to understand a lot of things. For example, Twitter. My
understanding is that you have a whole list of friends and each is constantly
asking the others WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW? The very last thing I would want
in my life at the moment is some complete asshole inundating me with WHAT ARE
YOU DOING NOW? messages. Furthermore, Twitter people talk about "tweets"
and other shit like that which sounds suspiciously faggy to old farts like me.
So fair warning: if you send me a fucking message like that I will not only kill
you, I will demote your family scholars going back three generations (whoops, sorry,
slipped into the Ch'ing Dynasty there for a moment - it must be the Bronchitis
medicine doesn't like the speed pill). One thing I have learned though: if
you have Bronchitis and your computer is down, you do get a lot of reading done.
Anyway, you know what a pixel is, right? But do you know what a dead
pixel is? No, not a rock group but it does sound kind of neat for such,
right? It is a tiny pinprick of light on the monitor. So I have one
on my new monitor. It doesn't bother me because you can see it mainly only
when on the blue "bliss" Microsoft screen. But if I should venture to a
porn site it is kind of neat the way I can line up the pixel on...OK, I digress.
Well, not really, when there is no subject one cannot really digress, right?
Anyway, I went to Macau to escape the water-throwing bullshit and ended up
escaping the civil war in Bangkok as well. Second time I have left hours
before a coup or rebellion began. Maybe I'm psychic. Maybe I'm CIA.
Maybe I'm an asshole. Actually, I could be all three, no?
Thai Airlines signs up comedian-dominatrix Nishioka
TOKYO —
Comedian-dominatrix Sumiko Nishioka, 33, is the new image character in Japan
for Thai Airlines. She will promote the airline under the theme of “Thai
Beauty Program.” The airline wants to market Thailand’s beauty and spa
recreation facilities for Japanese women. “I visited Thailand and really
enjoyed the beauty and spa service there. It made me feel so beautiful. I’ve
been feeling so satisfied with myself since then!”
Asked about the dominatrix characters she usually plays, Nishioka said: “I
feel like I’ve reached the limit of my character in that respect. I’d like to
take on a new challenge.”
(Comedian-dominatrix?! Oh, yeah, they're a barrel of
laughs. No Way Anybody Could Make This Up!)
And by the way, check out this NYTimes video of Pakistani brothers making
fetish and bondage gear in Karachi next to a mosque. They became
millionaires. They sell a lot to the US. How these guys manage to
pull this off and stay alive is beyond me. May I suggest an ad for the
Pakistani Tourist Board: Pakistan: the country where you can get whipped for
real and whipped for fun!
http://video.nytimes.com/video/2009/04/27/world/1194839708301/a-pakistani-underworld.html
*********************
*********************
Blu Ray Copies of the Much-acclaimed Ghost Film "P"
Yes, thanks to the generosity of the director Paul Spurrier, one lucky reader
of this site is going to win a free copy of a high-definition version of
the film with superb picture quality. You can see information of
the film at http://www.films.in.th
OK, what is the downside? Well, precisely because this is very high
quality Blu Ray, far superior to DVD, it will not play on a DVD. It will
only play in a Blu Ray player; but they can be bought in any Power Mall in
Bangkok or Pattaya. And since Blu Ray is the coming thing, you might as
well get off your ass and buy a Blu Ray player. This film disk will not be
available in shops. This is a limited collector's edition and has been
signed by the Director and reportedly kissed by the succulent leading actress.
If you don't win you can go to the site and buy it there. I have a tiny
role in the film wherein the beautiful leading actress - in her ghost state -
eats my heart and liver. And although I haven't signed the disks, should
you ask I will kiss it for you also. Maybe.
OK, what do you have to do to win? Just answer one simple question.
In what is regarded as Graham Greene's best novel, The Power and the Glory,
although the story has nothing to do with Thailand, there is a color connection
between Mexico and Thailand. It involves the plight of the priest.
What is the connection?
*********************
*********************
After Dark magazine ladies
A DAY IN THE LIFE
or
Mama Said They'll be Days Like This, My Mama Said
by Paul
As I step out of the door, the heat strikes me like a thud, almost taking
away my ability to breath. Before I reach the expensive rental car, my shirt
is soaked with sweat, and my energy levels have evaporated along with all my
bodily fluids. I start the car, and pant, waiting for the air conditioning to
reduce the temperature to something in which more than just a scorpion could
survive. Finally I can move off, and turn on the radio. It's 'Nothing
Lasts Forever'... again. How many records do they actually have at the radio
station? As I do every day, I try to find something else to listen to, but
find only Thai singers accompanied by a Bontempi organ, or the wailings of
testosterone-fueled teenagers copying western rock singers.
I have a long time to do this, because after only a hundred yards my car is
stationary in a traffic jam. The road is wide enough of course to allow easy
passage, but the Mercedes and BMW parked outside restaurants on both sides of
the road mean that the entire traffic flow of Eastern Bangkok has to pass
through a gap barely wide enough for a tuk-tuk. It doesn't help that the
state-of-the-art traffic lights at the crossroads are once again just flashing
red, which apparently means, 'bugger this, sort it out yourselves.'. So we
fight it out at the crossroads, trading wing mirror for bumper, and I wonder
if I should check my rental contract again to see what the insurance excess
is. But of course I'm a farang, so whatever the contract says, I'll end
up paying.
I wonder if I should turn back home. I don't even know where I'm
going. Another massage perhaps - another famous bloody Thai massage,
which will keep you healthy all your life, just by poking your toes. But I
think not. My back is still agony from the massage two days ago when the
amazonian woman caused me to scream while she inserted her knuckle between by
vertebrae. At least when she asked me if it hurt and I said that of course if
fucking hurts, it caused some amusement. The whole place erupted in laughter
at my pain.
No. Not a Thai massage. Or a foot massage. Or any other bloody sort of
massage, thank you very much. And if I want a happy ending, can't we negotiate
it beforehand? I know the plan, dearie. You get me all worked up and aroused,
then whisper 1500 Baht, pretending that this is a secret and that there aren't
ten other men being wanked off within five square metres. You think that I
will have reached such a state of excitement that I'll agree to anything, but
of course you're mistaken, my darling. I will negotiate, and I will negotiate
hard, until my erection has subsided, and I really couldn't give a damn
anymore, and I lie there wondering why I even came here as a fat forty-year
old tugs at my flaccid penis.
No. Not a massage. Not today. Maybe a film - a Woody Allen, or a
French period drama, or an LA indie film, or an old film noir in repertory.
But I suspect that these might be hard to find. The reality of course will be Dragonball, Fast and Furious or Pink Panther
2. No not a film. Really not a film at all.
If I were a woman of course I'd go shopping. I'd buy a new handbag or a new
pair of shoes. But I don't need anything. Or rather, the things I need I can't
afford. I could go to Paragon and spend an entire afternoon looking at things
I can't afford. How did this happen? I came here because it was a country I
could feel rich in. And now daily I realise I'm one of the poor. I can't buy a
smart car, I can't have the latest mobile phone. I can't eat at the Dome. I am
really only one step above the motorbike taxi-drivers and the prostitutes.
Which is perhaps why they are the only Thai people I ever meet.
But of course, all these thoughts are just the idle play of my few
functioning brain cells. Because I know what I'm going to do. It's the only thing one can do. I will
get drunk. And after I'm drunk enough, I will go and buy drinks for prostitutes. The
young ones will reject me because I speak Thai and I have shagged all their
friends, and I live too far away, and I might make them think about their
life, which is the last thing in the world they want to do. And I could get an old, ugly one, but really masturbation is better value,
if I only had the energy, which I don't. But thankfully sleep comes
easily, and the day disappears in a blur like all the other days. And tomorrow
I have to go to the post office...
*********************
*********************
As it is a pretty safe bet that most readers of this column have yet to buy
my book The Go Go Dancer who Stole My Viagra & other Poetical Tragedies of
Thailand I have decided to post one of the poems from the book from time to
time. Some of the poems are serious and some are for fun.
Margin of Error
I must tell the truth in that
I find it impossible to move
While they stroke my knee.
And then so, so gradually
Their lovely hands find a more
excitable part of my anatomy
Which, of course, runs amok.
After which
They
raise their glasses
kiss my cheek
and wish me luck.
“I no lie”
They say to me
“You have a ‘good heart’”
(known in Thai
as jai dee).
However it should be pointed
out that
The margin of error in any
random sampling
of bargirl opinion
is plus or minus
one hundred percentage points.
And by the way
The poet has requested
notification that you have seen this poem.
Send: Now, Later, Never,
Whenever
************************************** ******************* ******************* ******************* *******************
Khun Nana's Corner
Khun Nana is a
savvy local expat who keeps in shape by hitting most of the bars of Nana Plaza
as often as possible. From his vast experience, he will enlighten and
entertain us with his recollections of the bar scene be they humorous, tragic or
somewhere in between.
I managed to survive Songkran, the Thai New Year, and
lived to love another day at least. Dean chose to flee the country at water
works time, as Songkran is the period that everyone douses everyone else with
water, regardless of age, sex, national origin or whether or not you are dressed
for the occasion. I have to question his judgment on this matter. Three days
of lovely young Thai lasses wearing cut-off short and tank tops, boobs hanging
out and soaking wet from head to toe and practically raping every man who walks
by. Hmmmm, it was a living hell and I must say that Dean wouldn’t have enjoyed
it nearly as much as I did. It was really embarrassing the time that 4 soi
Cowboy go-go girls recognized me, wrestled me to the ground and proceeded to rub
their hands and faces (and many other parts of their anatomy) all over me.
Never again will I submit to the humiliation, degradation and sexual
exploitation. Dean, next year I will flee the country with you for sure. I
feel so…….cheap and used. It just sucks being treated as a sex object.
Speaking of Songkran, I was playing along with the water
fights on day number 1 of the festival with my best mate from Sunderland,
England. He looked around at the thousands of people who were engaged in
soaking each other with water and the general mayhem involved in the outright
insanity and he quipped “in England everyone would be fighting and punching each
other after the first five minutes if this festival was held there.”
One of my favorite subjects to rant on about is the
value of dating normal Thai gals as opposed to just being engaged in the pay for
play game with the bar girls. Recently both my best mate and I were reminded of
the nastiest side effect in this method of madness. Normal Thai girls are
jealous, and sometimes CRAZY jealous. When you pay a gal for sex there are
generally no feelings involved, you simply pay your money and the gal earns some
money. It is a financial transaction and as with any financial transaction the
customer calls the shots. The gal comes over to see you at the time you
require, you have your fun and she goes about her business as does the
customer.
When normal Thai girls (gals not involved in the naughty
nightlife business) spend time with you, they are polite, demure and lovely in
every way. Really they are the epitome of beauty, grace and femininity. The
sex is so good that really any sexual experience with a professional gal pales
in comparison. When the relationship grows, they treat you like a movie star
and I must admit that in no time in my life have I felt so loved and cherished
as I have in my relationships with Thai gals. When a Thai gal decides that she
likes you, you are floating on air and living in paradise. The problems begin
when she decides that she is absolutely crazy about you and you are her one true
love. Many Thai gals at this stage become possessive, jealous, neurotic,
controlling and manipulative. This angel who has been treating you with so much
love, respect and kindness suddenly begins to look for hairs in your bedroom,
interrogate you about every phone call received and every photo found in your
room, and throws temper tantrums any time you want to do something other than
spend time with her. Based on this I have acquired a new philosophy of life,
and I want to share it with my cherished readers:
“My goal in life is to find many hot, sexy, demure Thai
gals who like me just enough to want to fu*k my brains out all night long as if
I was their long lost love, but don’t like me quite enough to want me to be
their boyfriend.”
Yes, I know my goal is a noble one, and will most likely
be difficult and time consuming to pursue, but I vow to fight on as long as the
body is willing and the mind is soaked with alcohol.
Foreign men living in Thailand tend to have a relatively
low opinion of western women. I must admit that the only time I ever look at a
western woman here is to give myself a laugh or jokingly poke fun at a friend by
saying “Wow, look at this one walking down the street” just as a 300-pound white
whale is passing by. Generally western women are obese, aggressive and
extremely judgmental in my opinion. However, I can recall two instances where I
actually met an open minded and insightful lady whose main goal in life was not
to look down upon the local populace. The first instance was while I was
sitting in one of my favorite go-go bars watching the local talent and a Swiss
lady sitting next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said “this place is great!
If I were a man I would come here every day.” She was cool. The second
instance I was sitting on the skytrain with a model girlfriend of mine (who
happens to have absolutely perfect legs) and an American woman sitting next to
me asked if we would tell her where my girlfriend bought her stockings. I
remarked that she wasn’t wearing any stockings. Her response was to roll her
eyes as she good naturedly quipped “I think I am going to kill myself.” At
least there are a few western women who have managed to escape the war against
sex and femininity being waged back there.
As for bars, on soi Nana there is a new beer bar just
opened a few weeks ago just to the right of the entrance to Nana Plaza. Its
called “Strikers” and has a sports theme with many good sized TV sets, nicely
furnished décor, tons of pretty ladies working, as well as a happy hour that
runs to 8pm.
Directly across from Strikers at the front of the Nana
Hotel is the Golden Beer bar. Readers should check out Golden as it has a bevy
of beautiful lasses as well as 60 baht lady drinks. The view of the
carnival-like atmosphere surrounding the Nana Hotel parking lot is beyond
compare.
Until next time.
Khun Nana
************************************** ******************* ******************* ******************* *******************
For Those Few Among You
Who Still Read Books
(otherwise, skip this
section)
I was at Dasa Books the other day - you
know, the used bookstore on Sukhumvit about two blocks above the Emporium - and
the owner, Don, recommended a book to me (even though I have no time to read the
piles I already have). But I'm glad he did. It is Jonathan Lethem's
Gun, with occasional music, a very creative detective and sci-fi genre
mix. It has been described as an excellent mix of Raymond Chandler and
Philip K. Dick. I finished two of the late Richard Yates's books and am
still trying to get Easter Parade. I missed the film of the novel,
Revolutionary Road, but will no doubt find it being sold on Sukhumvit
somewhere between a brothel and a bar or on Silom somewhere between a brothel
and an S&M club. I still hope to finish the sequel to Skytrain to
Murder in the next few months although this damn Bronchitis is a pain in the
badong. At least it is an understood malady, unlike Swine Flu. I got
onto Yates in a funny way. I have had my two hernia operations as I
mentioned and am not certain if I have a third. When I checked to see what
kind of hernia I have on the internet, one of the sites mentioned that the
novelist Richard Yates had gone in for a minor hernia operation and died.
Like, just what I needed to hear...
When I was young and foolish I used to
dabble in hypnosis and sometimes used it on friends to increase their grades.
I was no expert but I did read various journals, books, etc. One thing I
do know is that the hypnotist must have some rapport with the subject and that a
certain percent of people are not hypnotizable. So when I read a book by
writers I like, writers who really can write, such as Lee Child and Michael
Connolly, it pisses me off when they use this shit in their plots in a way that
is impossible. I don't care how good the hypnotist, he or she will NOT be
able to get 100 per cent of victims/subjects under.
And don't forget the novel, Platform,
by Michel Houellebecq, a fine novel partly set in Thailand and partly set in
France. A fine novel that is until you get to the last page on which he
writes: "Unlike other Asians, Thais do not believe in ghosts." If I had
written that you would rightly be on my ass; but writers abroad get away with
that shit! Why?
I just managed to get a copy of
Revolutionary Road, the film, and it was good, fine acting, etc. But
so much of the story is in the way it was written, I wish people who see the
film would also read the book. It has so much more to offer.
"I'm only interested in stories that are
about the crushing of the human heart."
—
Richard Yates
Liagra - For the Bargirl who Has Everything! Click on picture!
******************* ******************* ******************* *******************
Censorship in Thailand
In case you didn't know, Crack 2 was censored in Thai cinemas for nude
scenes. I seldom see any film in a Thai theater anymore precisely because
the schooled but uneducated censors have a heavy hand and often we have no idea
what is missing or if anything is missing. They have also banned
completely a film called Zack and Miri Make A Porno. According to a
report in the Nation, Culture Ministry permanent secretary Vira
Rojpojchanarat offers the reason the film is banned in Thailand:
"The screening of this film may encourage copycats
here."
Nuff said?
*******************
More After Dark magazine ladies
******************* ******************* ******************* *******************
Letters from Readers
Quoting "C. Wizard": Mr. Barrett, Question if I might, concerning
paperback prices in LOS. A friend picked up a copy of "Murder at the Horny
Toad Bar" on my behalf while he was in Pattaya earlier this month. I
just noticed it was priced at 425THB, which at the current exchange rate is the
equivalent of approximately $12.00 US. Maybe I'm out of touch, but
that seems rather high for a paperback. Is that the "real price" or did my
friend pay the "Farang price." Thanks.
............................
Wizard, Until about two or three years ago, most trade size paperbacks (as
opposed to mass market smaller paperbacks) were mostly US$11.95. Then most
went up to US$12.95. So your friend actually got a good deal because the
baht and US dollar keep going up and down against each other and he bought it at
the right time. Also, the latest books I have out there are 450 baht.
In other words, it should be around US$12.95 for the latest ones but it might
get more expensive or less expensive depending on what happens with the baht and
the dollar. Mass market paperbacks (those that fit racks) sell for around
US$7.95 or less or more, depending on the publisher, the author, etc. Next
time you are in a Barnes and Noble check the
new fiction section
and check the prices. I guarantee they will vary enormously. There
are also larger jumbo size paperbacks which sell for US$15 or so but I would
suspect mainly only famous authors can get away with that. I suspect I
couldn't. Anyway, in general, book prices in Thailand are not bad
although they vary as exchange rates vary. If interested, see my section
on this site dealing with English language bookstores in Asia.
****************
****************
Links You Might Enjoy
A video of a
five-minute walk down Soi Cowboy. Click here and then click "preview videos."
http://www.pbar.info/videos.html
Like to check out some bars
in Thailand?
Try
http://www.bangkokbarfun.com.
Like to know what music is playing where in Bangkok each week? Try
http://www.bangkokgigguide.com.
Like to know more in depth
about what music is playing where in Bangkok each week? Try this great site:
http://www.bangkokjungle.com.
Tired of shoveling snow?
Check out Bangkok's sunshine.
Bangkok's weather report.
A great site for listening to Thai Morlan music and other folk music
of Southeast Asia.
www.monsoon-country.org
A bit of black leather never hurts. But she does.
Our Lady in Black
Like to learn a bit about retiring in Asia?
http://www.retiredexpat.com
Maps of all the provinces of Thailand
http://www.thailand-guide.org/maps/index.htm
Listen to RadioBangkok.net
mms://wma.radiobangkok.net/bangkok32?MSWMExt=.asf
Helping Kids in Thailand
Helping Thai Kids
A fine independent Pattaya Bookstore:
www.canterburytalescafe.com
Links You Might Not Enjoy
Politically incorrect rants and raves from Uncle Fred.
http://www.fredoneverything.net
Girlfriends looking for Taliban boyfriends.
Taliban Singles Dating Page
Very satirical writing and videos.
http://www.thenoseonyourface.com
*********************
Do
you have a product or service you would like to adverti
se
on this website? You can, you know. In fact, you don’t have to have a product or
service at all; you can just send me money. Or perhaps you would like me to plug
a product or service that you are involved in? Sure, just send me cash. Be sure,
however, to mark the outside envelope:
“Birthday money
for Dean Barrett –
Absolutely
No Bribe Enclosed”
Got feedback to this column? Got information on Thailand you would like
to share? Happy as a dung beetle to be living in Paradise? Been ripped off?
Just write me.
*********************
CONTEST
Enter and win a prize! This contest's first prize is
worth 3,500 baht in food and drink vouchers. The
first to give the correct answer wins the
vouchers; second wins the sexy shirt; third wins the sexy calendar.
First prize: Vouchers for food and drink
from bars, pubs and restaurants in Bangkok
Second prize: Nifty
shirt with the "I Support Single Moms" slogan
Third prize: Sexy
calendar with Pattaya go go dancers, from After Dark magazine
Fourth prize: Nada Diddly-Squat Special 4 U,
U number ten!
Best answers to last column's
questions were:
Sorry, hope to get
the answers for this question by next column from the old computer hard drive
where they now reside. Please be patient.
This column's Contest Question:
Give me the Best Caption for the Above Photograph
*********************
That's all for this
fortnightly column. Drop by again. Explore the rest of the website.
Meanwhile, as the girls used to tell me during the 1960's: "I no lie you, GI, I
love you long time; you number one!"
And, remember: nothing says goodbye
like a bullet. And the more people I meet the more bullets I need.
Dean Barrett can be flamed at:
deanbarr@loxinfo.co.th
***************************************************************
More
News on the "Religion of Peace"
The "Religion of Peace" continues to visit Southern Thailand
(Even though Bangkok English-language Newspapers seldom report it)
|
2009.04.14 |
Thailand |
Yala |
1 |
0 |
A villager is murdered by Mujahid gunmen. |
|
2009.04.10 |
Thailand |
Narathiwat |
1 |
2 |
Mujahideen gunmen fire into a passenger train, killing one
railway worker. |
|
2009.04.04 |
Thailand |
Pattani |
2 |
0 |
A 60-year-old man and his teenage son are shot to death
outside their home by Islamic terrorists. |
|
2009.03.30 |
Thailand |
Pattani |
2 |
0 |
A married couple is brutally shot to death by Islamic
extremists. |
|
2009.03.30 |
Thailand |
Pattani |
1 |
1 |
A vendor is murdered by Muslim gunmen while riding on his
cart with his 14-year-old son. |
| 2009.04.22 |
Thailand |
Yala |
2 |
0 |
Two local police are killed in a combination
shooting and bombing attack by Muslim militants. |
