Welcome to my
website. Unlike the universe, this website has a purpose: to offer
rants, tirades, opinions and discussion about books on Thailand, give an
overview of nightlife in Thailand and, yes, to provide a few news items which
might not appear elsewhere. And to have some fun.
Bar, club and restaurant owners who would like to send material on their
special events, birthday bashes, anniversary parties, etc., are welcome to do so
but please remember men in Thailand are a bit jaded so if you’re just going to
offer the usual free gourmet food and free full band entertainment and free
beautiful and eager-to-please women, well, the lads have been there, done that.
So do try to offer potential patrons something special. ;-)
There is a contest every two weeks when this column appears and the
first to answer the question correctly or identify a photograph correctly
will receive vouchers worth at least 3,500 baht in
food and drink, i.e., 500 baht each, from Larry's Dive, Shadow Bar, The Old
Dutch, the Big Mango, Electric Blue, The Duke of Wellington pub, and Bourbon Street Restaurant. The prizes will
build up in case anyone doesn't win it immediately so the bonanza for the
eventual winner could get quite interesting. It will double to
7,000 and, if still no winner, to
10,500, etc. Second prize is a "I Support
Single Moms" T-shirt. And please remember a part of all money received from the sale of
my books goes to needy Thais (in the form of payment to go go dancers,
waitresses and hostesses).
*********************
May 2009 be a Great Year for You!
....................
"Save the Beer!"
(More Dollhouse pictures below)
*********************
In Search of the Perfect Massage
Solely in the interest of aiding my readers, I checked out a few massage
parlors to see what was what. My favorite in the old days was the Chao
Phraya 2 on Sri Ayuthya Road. The sign says or said that they charge
farang customers the same as Thai customers. And that is a very nice
thing, indeed. Alas, as of a couple of years ago, the quality of the
ladies seemed to slip a great deal and while it is always worth the 2,000 baht
or a bit more for the "superstars" or a bit less for the traditional "boran"
massage, it just isn't what it use to be. Down the street aways and across
the street was the Chao Phraya 1 which seems to be closed. But while I was
meandering about I noticed the J One Massage Parlor is open and it seems to have
a bar and golf and just about everything inside but I decided to save that for
next time as one massage a night is enough.
So, solely in the interest of informing readers of this column, a friend and
I went off to J One another night and found it to be quite a nice place.
Punters can even use putters as the shameless guy in the center picture is doing
when he should be in a room getting a massage. The picture second from right
advertises a "seafood massage" but I had no idea what that might be and was
afraid to find out. Body massage with lobsters, maybe? Well, I went
into the large Thai restaurant and asked the women in front of the massage door
if that meant they made body oil from seafood or something like that. She
looked at me as if I were crazy but in any case they had only one lady left.
So it seems the massage is separate from the seafood even though the parlor
itself is reached by going through the restaurant. So if you'd like to
combine a bit of gold putting practice with your massage do give J One a try.
It is not far from the Suan Pakkad private museum which has old traditional Thai
houses and is definitely worth a visit. Open 9 to 4 every day.
Anyway, Nataree massage, Rajadapisek Road at Huey Kwang, on a Saturday at 8 p.m. was abrim, replete with, indeed, one
might say glutted with beautiful young women, both inside and outside the
glass. Still my favorite. And the lovely lady in the top row is also a Nataree employee.
The lovely lass in the bottom row is at J One.
*********************
The Essarn Language Barrier
A friend of mine who speaks fluent Thai and works with Thais in the film
business, etc., went up to Essarn one day and got lost and asked two farmers the
way to such and such a place. And one looked at the other and said: Kow
phut passah alaiwa? (What the fuck language is he speaking?)
*********************
New Year's Eve: Londoner Pub, soi 33: Entertainment provided by the staff
(and the brewmeister)
*********************
Mama San or Customer - Who Was Right?
Another friend of mine told me that he spent a lot of money in one of the
Nana Plaza bars and one night barfined a girl who turned out to be a real dud.
Bad attitude. My friend decided to put up with it until she said, "Don't
touch my tits!" At which point my friend told the girl to get dressed and
went down to see the mama-san (whom he knew well). She agreed to give him
a different girl, no new barfine. He was shook up by the incident and went
to get a drink and decided to go back another night. The following night
he went back and said he was ready to take out the girl. The mama-san said
it was too late, he should have taken one the night before. Who was right
in this moral conundrum? I tend to side with the mama-san in that
something like this cannot be open-ended. It can not go on for a night, or
a week, or a month. I do understand the guy's feeling though, as he knew
the mama-san and had spent lots of money there. So he ended up feeling
aggrieved and the bar lost a good customer. Fortunately, punters will
seldom find entertainment providers with such a bad attitude.
*********************
A Bar of Soap
Believe it or not I have another friend married to a Thai woman. He
loves to go to massage parlors. But his wife is very jealous, very clever
and no fool. So what he does is to bring the bar of soap he uses at home
to the massage parlor and asks the girl to use that one on him. So when he
returns home he has no strange smell which his wife would have been sure to pick
up on. Sounds good to me.
*********************
Dollhouse Bar, Soi Cowboy, New Year's Eve and After - Wow! Darryl does
love his Styrofoam on New Year's Eve and it is always a huge hit with customers
and staff.
*********************
Bangkok's Disastrous Santika Club, Thonglor, New Year's Eve
Fire!
http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2008/12/31/world/AP-AS-Thailand-Nightclub-Fire.html?_r=1&hp
Bangkok Post Picture
BBC Video Here:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7806658.stm
*********************
Women! Sheesh. “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even
considering if there are men on base.”
- Dave Barry
Click on Poster to enlarge
*********************
An inviting Korean sign on Sukhumvit, Soi 11; the only proper food to be
eating at a food stall at 3 in the morning: Kuidio; a guidio (kweidiao)
stand. Entrance to Q Bar. Manchester United restaurant and bar.
This girl at the Spice Club was very sweet but she started taking pictures of
herself. Have you ever noticed that the average Thai woman in Bangkok
knows a lot more than you do about how your camera or phone or camera/phone
operates?
One More Letter the Bangkok Post would not Print
Dear Sir,
As usual, Imtiaz Muqbil's article was predictable, specious, poorly
written, blatantly misleading, full of excuses for the acts of Muslim fanatics
and full of hatred for Jews. His most preposterous claim was that Islam has
done so much good for India. The two greatest holocausts in history are the
Arab slave trade of black Africans and the tens of millions of Hindus
slaughtered by Muslim armies. No reputable newspaper would ever print this
column or would, at the very least, alternate Muqbil's column with one written
by Muslim women or Hindus who have an opposing point of view. No one should
expect the Bangkok Post to allow such fairness. Dean Barrett
*********************
The entrance to Divas and the sign at the nearby St. Moritz. The fellow
peaking out is the manager at Bull's Head, Billy Brunsdon, on his way into Divas
for whatever nefarious purpose.
*********************
As it is a pretty safe bet that most readers of this column have yet to buy
my book The Go Go Dancer who Stole My Viagra & other Poetical Tragedies of
Thailand I have decided to post one of the poems from the book from time to
time. Some of the poems are serious and some are for fun.
The Kid from Khao San Road
There was a mighty buffalo
Its head is stuffed and hung
Upon the wall of the Lone Star bar
Where country songs are sung.
And Country singers wail their woes
Their pictures on the walls
A lot of friendly people there
A lot of friendly brawls.
And men who fought in many wars
Or leastwise might have done
And men who work the Saudi rigs
Beneath the Saudi sun.
With Cowboy Jon and Mekhong Kurt
The girls know very well
How female charms and soft, smooth arms
Can make them ring the bell.
And Son-of-loser Paul sits with
The girl he thinks is his
He plans that they’ll be married soon
Not knowing that she is.
The night he came, the moon was full
It cast a silver glow
Upon his back and made it seem
As if he’d walked in snow.
Five-minute Jack was in a booth
regaling Death Wish Don
about the girl from Patpong Road
he’d spent his pension on.
The kid with shaggy
hair sat down
Still dusty from
the road
His stone-washed
jeans were tight and worn
His sandals
open-toed.
He clearly was a
tight-assed waif
A smug, conceited
leech
Ex-Peace Corps
brat, healthnazi type
The kind who loved
The Beach.
He knows the
culture and cuisine
It showed with
every smirk
Each condescending
smile revealed
A condescending
jerk.
He sat his backpack
by the bar
and ordered up a
Sprite
Then counted out
some coins and said
His manner
impolite:
“I’m only here to
look around
This place just
makes me laugh
Ex-CIA and
ex-marines
Ex-Vietnam
riffraff.”
The mean and
massive buffalo
In sinister repose
Eyes huge and black
looked down as if
remembering its
foes.
The Kid leaned
forward on the bar
A sneer upon his
lips
He finished
counting out his coins
He wasn’t leaving
tips.
He used his comb to
preen a bit
A real conceited
fool
While shadows of
two curved black horns
Fell full upon his
stool.
He drank his sprite
and belched a lot
As if he’d had a
beer
And as the mamasan
passed by
He screamed into
her ear.
His voice so loud I
spilled my drink
And Noy fell off my
lap
And with wild eyes
he shouted out:
HEY! LIKE, COULD SOMEBODY CHANGE THE MUSIC?
WHO NEEDS THIS COWBOY CRAP!
The seconds passed – the music died
And not a sound was heard
Each second an eternity
Yet no one said a word.
And then my glass began to shake
And all the bottles fell
A savage snorting sounded like
The very hound of hell.
And as the thunder suddenly
Became a fearsome roar
The kid grew pale and ashen-faced
and started for the door.
And in the moonlight I could see
Curved shadows on the floor
And as the shadows merged with his
The Kid I saw no more.
There was a mighty buffalo
Its head is stuffed and hung
Upon the wall of the Lone Star bar
Where country songs are sung.
And legend says on moonlit nights
Strange sounds are heard inside
That stuffed and mighty buffalo
As if somebody died.
And when I doze I seem to hear
From deep within my nap
A voice inside the buffalo
HEY! LIKE, COULD SOMEBODY CHANGE THE MUSIC?
WHO NEEDS THIS COWBOY CRAP!
******************* ******************* *******************
Pope Benedict XVI has said that saving humanity from homosexual or
transsexual behavior is just as important as saving the rainforest from
destruction.
Come on, now, you gotta love this guy. He preaches fairy tales that
have kept large portions of humanity in guilt and fear for 2,000 years and now
he equates gays with saving the rain forest! Somebody should write him a
letter and ask if he would save those portions of the rain forest in which
there are homosexuals - of whatever species. Anyway, thanks to the Pope for
my first good chuckle of the week.
*******************
CIA HANDS OUT VIAGRA TO AFGHAN WARLORDS! WHERE'S MINE?
America's CIA has found a novel way to gain information from
fickle Afghan warlords - supplying sex-enhancing drug Viagra, a US media report
says.
The Washington Post said it was one of a number of enticements being used.
In
one case, a 60-year-old warlord with four wives was given four pills and four
days later detailed Taleban movements in return for more. "Whatever it takes to
make friends and influence people," the Post quoted one agent as saying.
"Whether it's building a school or handing out Viagra."
Full Report Here:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7800549.stm
************************************** ******************* ******************* ******************* *******************
Khun Nana's Corner
Khun Nana is a
savvy local expat who keeps in shape by hitting most of the bars of Nana Plaza
as often as possible. From his vast experience, he will enlighten and
entertain us with his recollections of the bar scene be they humorous, tragic or
somewhere in between.
Sitting in one
of my favorite bars with a mate last night, we were discussing our various
methods of charming the opposite sex and satisfying our disgusting animal
urges. My mate happened to mention that when making love to a woman “doggy”
style he often attempts to enter another pleasure zone in that general region,
often with less than satisfying results. I told him that my method is to
repeatedly attempt the same thing over and over again until the lass gets tired
of swatting me away with her hand and finally gives in. My friend laughed and
said that in our country that would be considered sodomy. In Thailand it is
just called “persistence!”
I have a good
friend in the USA named Khun Bill (Bin or Biaw to the Thai lasses as they often
cannot pronounce an “L” sound at the end of a syllable) and he sent me the
following list of his comparison between the USA and Thailand:
Americans-too
busy working to be happy
Thais-too busy
being happy to think
Americans-women
outweigh men 2:1
Thais-women
outwork men 2:1
Americans-bugs
get into the refrigerator for food
Thais-people get
into the refrigerator for bugs
Americans-12
ways to not smile that are real
Thais-12 ways to
smile that are not real
Americans-famous
for John Adams and apple pie
Thais-famous for
boys with no Adams apple
Americans-pay
for a good deal at Carmax
Thais-pray a
good deal for karma
Americans-women
head for the beach for some good tan
Thais-women go
out with a faan (boyfriend) for some good head
Thais-welcome
their tanks into town to take over the country
Americans-protest their tanks taking over all other countries
Americans-Led by
a dingbat who is besmeared and abhorred
Thais-Led by The
King who is revered and adored
Americans-man
comes home to his wife and asks Why?
Thais-man comes
home to his wife who greets with a Wai
Khun Bill you
really need to get yourself back to Thailand as you are a perfect candidate to
eventually retire here, with your excellent language skills and love of all
things Thai. We miss you here buddy.
It is that time
of the year for all of us to decide what kind of changes we want to make in our
lives in the coming new year. Living in Bangkok which is the same as having New
Year’s eve 365 times a year, I have come up with the following list of my own
personal resolutions:
1) I will sleep
at least 7 hours a night regardless of how many times I am expected to perform
2) I will
exercise 3 times per week outside of the bedroom
3) I will drink
alcohol no more than 5 times per week
4) I will limit
myself to no more than 15 favorite gals at a time no matter how difficult it is
to narrow down the list
5) I will party
more often with Dean and his mates (really good blokes I must say)
6) When
returning to Bangkok from a side trip I will unpack within 1 week
7) I will phone
my Mom at least once a week
8) I will read 2
new books every month
9) I will study
Thai language 1 hour every day
10) I will
accept people the way they are without being judgmental (quite a challenge in
Bangkok)
Happy New Year
2009 to all of my loyal readers!
Until next time.
Khun Nana
************************************** ******************* ******************* ******************* *******************
I continue to inquire about the future of Washington Square.
Negotiations with the Indian landlord family and individual owners has not
gone well. But whether because of the bad economy or whatever, it seems
the Square is in no immediate danger of being torn down. And that is
good news for one and all, especially for Squaronians!
Word has reached me that Firecat, AKA Wildcat bar on Patpong has closed.
It was an upstairs ripoff bar but I have a friend who really liked it. He
says it was the first bar he went to when he first came to Thailand many years
ago. His secret was to hand the mamasan 100 baht and she took care of him.
In other words, no ripoff for him. He may be the only one lamenting the
closure of Firecat.
******************* *******************
Peter Street has taken over as manager at the Queen Victoria Pub on Sukhumvit,
soi 23, near Soi Cowboy. Peter hails from England, the Midlands, and
worked recently as manager of Mojos on soi 33. The Queen Victoria has a
good happy hour until 7:30 and a nice open area which is perfect during this
period of perfect weather.
The Go Go Contest at Suzie Wong's on Soi Cowboy went very well and netted
about 100,000 baht for charity. Prizes including a motorcycle were given
away. Not surprisingly, the winning team of go go dancers was from - you
guessed it - Suzie Wong's. I was going to donate books and have one of the
dancers give them to the most handsome man in the room but then I realized they
would only be coming back to me. So I didn't. The night started off
slow, with not many guys there, but by the time the contest started, well after
nine, it was quite packed. Like ALL the bars used to be in the old days.
Even Baron Bonk was passing out T-shirts with his logo and the saying "Never
Knowingly PC."
*******************
Frank's Corner at the Londoner Pub celebrated Christmas there. Lovely
santa clauses, as you can see. Some of the Corner gang pose outside the
Londoner and there is Al Eberhardt with little Frankie on his back.
Frank's Corner is named after Frank Olcott who passed away about two years ago
and there is a plaque just inside the door with information about his life.
Wow! Pat and Rocky (Rak AKA Lak) at the Londoner
in a dreamy mood! Wish I could say I took the shot but this one was taken
by my friend, Jannik, a Scandinavian fellow who can be seen in the center
picture above in the modern version of the Viking helmet. This photo may
go up on my wall!
*******************
I see the Long Gun at Soi Cowboy has a lovely new sign.
*******************
I couldn't resist photographing the dessert table at Bourbon Street
Restaurant. Desserts and sauces to die for.
*******************
Christopher Moore had his latest book signing at the Texas Lone Star, another
well attended event. And there, at left, is none other than Dave the Rave.
Chris now has completed his tenth in his Calvino detective series.
*******************
Silver Dollar, Washington Square, had a party on the 24th and 25th.
Yes, that is in fact the legendary Mekhong Kurt at left.
*******************
And, of course, the Emporium was well decorated for Christmas.
*******************
Mojos, of course. And I've added a second video of the Mojos dancers which you can see by
going to the Articles, Stories & Videos page or by clicking
here:
Amazingly Sexy Thai Coyote Dancers
*******************
R.I.P.
Very sorry to say Cowboy Jon Dodd passed away on Christmas morning. Jon
was a Squaronian (a Washington Square regular), a quiet, unassuming, very nice
guy. He was from Texas and he worked hard all his life, never asking for
anything for free. He also gave me information for Identity Theft
and I thanked him in the acknowledgements. The Square loses another great
guy.
*******************
And, of course, the world lost the great Theater of the Absurd playwright,
Harold Pinter, to cancer recently. Last time I was in Manhattan I saw a
revival of his play, The Homecoming.
*******************
Worst Slump in Decades of Thai Tourism:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/26/business/worldbusiness/26thaitourism.html
*******************
New Norway Law Bans Buying of Sex
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7806760.stm
************** ******************* ******************* ******************* *******************
Letters from Readers
Dean, On your website, you quoted the post on "how do you tell a old
hand in Bangkok". The original list was made up by Collin Piprell and is in
his book "Bangkok Old Hand". If you want the whole list, I will lone you my
copy.
take care, Chuck
Many thanks for that, Chuck. Collin is a fine writer. I read
Running Dogs, etc. He captures the absurdities and fun of living in
Thailand extremely well.
****************
****************
****************
Links You Might Enjoy
A video of a
five-minute walk down Soi Cowboy. Click here and then click "preview videos."
http://www.pbar.info/videos.html
Like to check out some bars
in Thailand?
Try
http://www.bangkokbarfun.com.
Like to know what music is playing where in Bangkok each week? Try
http://www.bangkokgigguide.com.
Like to know more in depth
about what music is playing where in Bangkok each week? Try this great site:
http://www.bangkokjungle.com.
Tired of shoveling snow?
Check out Bangkok's sunshine.
Bangkok's weather report.
A great site for listening to Thai Morlan music and other folk music
of Southeast Asia.
www.monsoon-country.org
A bit of black leather never hurts. But she does.
Our Lady in Black
Like to learn a bit about retiring in Asia?
http://www.retiredexpat.com
Maps of all the provinces of Thailand
http://www.thailand-guide.org/maps/index.htm
Listen to RadioBangkok.net
mms://wma.radiobangkok.net/bangkok32?MSWMExt=.asf
Helping Kids in Thailand
Helping Thai Kids
A fine independent Pattaya Bookstore:
www.canterburytalescafe.com
Links You Might Not Enjoy
T-Shirt Hell: for lovers of very black humor only.
http://www.tshirthell.com.
Politically incorrect rants and raves from Uncle Fred.
http://www.fredoneverything.net
Girlfriends looking for Taliban boyfriends.
Taliban Singles Dating Page
Very satirical writing and videos.
http://www.thenoseonyourface.com
*********************
Do
you have a product or service you would like to adverti
se
on this website? You can, you know. In fact, you don’t have to have a product or
service at all; you can just send me money. Or perhaps you would like me to plug
a product or service that you are involved in? Sure, just send me cash. Be sure,
however, to mark the outside envelope:
“Birthday money
for Dean Barrett –
Absolutely
No Bribe Enclosed”
Got feedback to this column? Got information on Thailand you would like
to share? Happy as a dung beetle to be living in Paradise? Been ripped off?
Just write me.
*********************
CONTEST
Enter and win a prize! This contest's first prize is
worth 7,000 baht in food and drink vouchers. The
first to give the correct answer wins the
vouchers; second wins the sexy shirt; third wins the sexy calendar.
First prize: Vouchers for food and drink
from bars, pubs and restaurants in Bangkok
Second prize: Nifty
shirt with the "I Support Single Moms" slogan
Third prize: Sexy
calendar with Pattaya go go dancers, from After Dark magazine
Fourth prize: Nada Diddly-Squat Special 4 U
Last column's
question was:
Be the first
to name the character in the tattoo.
Answer: Hanuman,
the Monkey God. Several correct answers.
..........................
This column's Contest Question:
Where was this
photograph taken?
*********************
That's all for this
fortnightly column. Drop by again. Explore the rest of the website.
Meanwhile, as the girls used to tell me during the 1960's: "I no lie you, GI, I
love you long time; you number one!"
And, remember: nothing says goodbye
like a bullet. And the more people I meet the more bullets I need.
Dean Barrett can be flamed at:
deanbarr@loxinfo.co.th
***************************************************************
More
News on the "Religion of Peace"
The "Religion of Peace" continues to visit Southern Thailand
12/15/2008 (Yala,
Thailand) - A 53-year-old man is gunned down in front of a food shop by
Islamic terrorists.
12/16/2008 (Yala,
Thailand) - Muslim terrorists shoot three people to death at a market,
including a woman
12/15/2008 (Narathiwat,
Thailand) - A 4-year-old child is among three people shot by Islamists in
two attacks
12/16/2008 (Pattani,
Thailand) - Two young guards escorting a teacher are gunned down by
Muslim radicals
12/17/2008 (Yala, Thailand) - A
16-year-old boy is shot to death outside of a 7-Eleven by Mujahideen.
12/20/2008 (Pattani, Thailand) - A
woman standing outside a convenience store is murdered by Islamic bombers.
Children are injured as well
12/20/2008 (Yala, Thailand) - A
49-year-old security guard is shot to death by Muslim radicals as he leaves his
home
12/21/2008 (Pattani, Thailand) - A
50-year-old civilian is murdered by Muslim gunmen on his way home.
12/28/2008 (Yala, Thailand) - Islamic
gunmen murder a man in a tea shop.
