Medical warning from the Satire-General's Office: if you drink more than three glasses of alcohol a day, or if you have sex with more than one entertainment provider a day, or if you are breast-feeding, or pregnant, or would like to breast-feed or become pregnant, consult with a health professional before reading this column. It is especially important not to read this column during the last three months of pregnancy unless definitely directed to do so by someone in the medical profession because it may cause complications in the unborn child or complications during delivery or your beer may have a metallic taste to it or your erections may result in the condition known as joo heeoh (limp dick). Keep this column out of reach of children, censors, and anal-retentives.
Welcome to my website. Unlike the universe, this website has a purpose: to offer rants, tirades, opinions and discussion about books on Thailand, give an overview of nightlife in Thailand and, yes, to provide a few news items which might not appear elsewhere. And to have some fun.
Bar, club and restaurant owners who would like to send material on their special events, birthday bashes, anniversary parties, etc., are welcome to do so but please remember men in Thailand are a bit jaded so if you’re just going to offer the usual free gourmet food and free full band entertainment and free beautiful and eager-to-please women, well, the lads have been there, done that. So do try to offer potential patrons something special. ;-)
There is a contest every two weeks when this column appears and the first to answer the question correctly or identify a photograph correctly will receive vouchers worth at least 3,000 baht in food and drink, i.e., 500 baht each, from Larry's Dive, The Old Dutch, Electric Blue, The Big Mango, PJ's Steak & Rib Grill, and Bourbon Street Cafe. The prizes will build up in case anyone doesn't win it immediately so the bonanza for the eventual winner could get quite interesting. It will double to 6,000 and, if still no winner, to 9,000, etc. Second prize is a "I Support Single Moms" T-shirt. And please remember a part of all money received from the sale of my books goes to needy Thais (in the form of payment to go go dancers, waitresses and hostesses).
The go go bar on soi Cowboy was full so my friend, Geoff, and I sat at the bar where the girls were dancing. Number 29 looked great and Geoff was interested and she was smiling back at him and it looked like things might be happening. Then suddenly she was gone from the stage and we looked around the bar trying to spot her. I said where the devil did she go? Geoff leaned forward trying to see past the two rows of dancers in front of us to see the other side of the bar clearly where apparently number 29 was ensconced with a customer in an upper booth and said, "I think number 29 is just between that girl's legs and over the bald guy's head." This struck me so funny I couldn't stop laughing. I mean, back there, in the Land of the Big PX, somebody might ask for directions and get a reply, "Sure just go over the bridge and hang a left at the grocery store." But here in Bangkok it is more likely to be "just between that girl's legs and over the bald guy's head." Geoff says we don't speak like they do, anymore. He got that right.
I have said before that I hate to say negative things about go go bars; after all, the owners and management are providing booze and entertainment providers and opportunities, etc., etc. But sometimes it is necessary. Midnight Bar used to be one of everybody's favorites. I was low class and rock bottom in the right kind of way. Girls were fun, decor was minimal, and the price of an upstairs room included the barfine. A girl started working there whom a friend of mine knew well so we went into Midnight. Of course, the interior decor and the exterior decor changed quite a while ago and give the management credit they did a nifty job. Although I wish it could have stayed the seedy, downmarket place it once was, the bar looks pretty spiffy. Even a few cute dancers. And then it happened. First, one obvious katoey got up on the stage to dance, then another, and another, and another, and a fifth, until finally all the girls had rotated off and there was nothing on the stage but five very obvious katoeys. Well, folks, how you spend your money is up to you, but I go into a bar to see pretty ladies in motion, not to try to work out who is a ladyboy and who isn't. So the Midnight Bar is way, way off my list of bars. Spice Girls sure has a nice sign out there but inside were three dancers and one customer. This at a time when Doll House and Shark Bar were full of pretty dancers and full of customers; Shebas and Suzie Wong were nearly full. Finally, we ventured into Deja Vu which was nearly half full of customers with a few decent dancers. By the way, if you like overweight women, you have a great choice: Five Star bar or Cactus bar. The Five Star bar years ago (there were two of them also at one time) had some really cute girls in there. Hmmm, maybe they still are there, just been eating too much mango with sticky rice and coconut milk.
A couple of drinking buddies at the Texas Lone Staar Saloon - Mike Cavanaugh and Robert Lee Curry - have started up a website so I figured if I give it a mention I might get a free beer. Then again I might not. Anyway, they describe it as an alternative to e-bay, Thailand style. They built www.iListingPlace.com website using the latest web development software from Microsoft, ASP.Net 2.0., whatever that means. They are offering free listing of items for sale. The site was designed to be cost effective for the seller and easy to use. You fill in a simple form to register and you are ready to list whatever items you would like to sell...free. Sounds like a good deal although I can remember the days not so long ago when you could venture into the Lone Star and even in the midst of a brawl listen to tales about WWII and the Korean War and the Iraq War and Vietnam. Now you are more likely to hear guys talking about computers and camcorders. So goes the world.
Speaking of go go bars, a friend of mine used to be married to a stripper in the States. So he used to spend a lot of time in strip clubs. And he told me every club has the same two rules: Red lights and elevated stages. The elevated stages, as you see in Thailand's go go bars, are to elongate the girls, to make them seem taller and more desirable. The red lights are because red lights make it difficult to see streeeetch marks. I kid you not. So now you know. Does that mean it makes it harder for the dancers to see my wrinkles as well?
www.adultsheepfinder.com "Sheep Shagger Personals." You won't believe this site. Check it out!
Kriengjai. We all know this one, right? So how about the Bangkok city fathers showing some kriengjai and getting the fucking sidewalk fixed along Sukhumvit Road? I'm tired of falling on my ass.
Alas, the Pattaya Polecat has found it necessary to leave the Kingdom for awhile so that ends his very up to date and observant reporting and great writing on the Pattaya nightlife scene. But if you are going to Pattaya in the near future do check out his past columns over the last couple of months. They are still timely and useful.
So while I was recently spending nearly one month in the US of A several things happened. The morning radio show, shock jock Don Imus, described female members of a university basketball team as "nappy-headed ho's" and a nutcase killed 22 students at Virginia Tech and, oh yeah, Youtube was banned in Thailand. Incredibly, what Don Imus said was the lead news on TV, newspapers, magazines, everywhere! In other words, for describing women the way black rappers describe women in their lyrics, he was fired. (After it was clear the stations would lose advertising over it, of course; otherwise his two-week suspension might have been all he would have gotten.) My own dictionary doesn't have the word "nappy" but I assume it means twisted in a kinky way which could describe lots of us in Thailand. (Anyway, see picture at right.) Now supposedly black "leaders" in the USA will clean up the rappers lyrics as well. Such as those below. But don't hang by your thumbs until they do.
I got no pickup lines
I stay on the grind
I tell the hoes all the time
Bitch get in my car (Bitch get in)
I got my 64,
ridin' on Dayton spokes
And when I open that do'
Bitch get in my car
Whenever I tried to watch news on TV in the USA, it was full of speculation as to whether or not Don Imus would be fired and who was the real father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. Do people really give a shit about who the father was of that poor bimbo's baby? Well, yes, actually, millions of Americans did. I was hoping Don Imus was the real father so that they could combine the two stupid stories and Americans could have a mass orgy over it and get it out of their system. And that stupid TV show in which people are judged in their singing, American Idol, I think it is called, has become so important that who wins is part of the NEWS. Like we say at the Texas Lone Staar Saloon in Washington Square, I love my country and I'll fight for it, but don't make me live there. That's Imus on the right; I believe the lady at left is telling us what she thinks of him. Or maybe it's Halle Berry. I'd like to tell her what I think of her. She looked horrible in the film Monster's Ball (I think that was the name of it). So what I can't figure out is: Is she a beautiful woman who had to be made up to look really lousy in the domestic scenes in that film, or is she a not-so-attractive woman who only looks great with lots of makeup? The sad part is my chances of finding out by personal inspection are less than Don Imus wearing a nappy-headed hairstyle. Excuse me for a minute while I blow up and print out Halle's picture and head for the bathroom.
Okay, I'm back. Good as new. The pause that refreshes. Now, as you know, Youtube was banned for insults to the King. I sympathize with Thais who don't like the King insulted and also because Google, owner of Youtube, kowtowed to China but didn't feel kowtowing necessary to less economically powerful Thailand. Genuine hypocrisy. But banning YouTube only hurts Thais who were having fun and learning stuff from an exciting site which often has the latest videos of police beatings in various countries, readings by poets and authors, and just about everything else. I suppose Thais can use proxy sites as the Chinese do such as proxylord.com and Anonymous.org but it shouldn't be necessary. At least, a famous Thai director has refused to allow his film to be butchered by Thai censors and has refused to release it in Thailand and this has caused Thais to demand a rating system instead of the decades-old censor system. So some good may come out of this. I used to argue with British censors in Hong Kong when I lived there and what I learned is that film distributors were often butchering films as well so they could get in more showing per day but the public wasn't aware of that part of the problem. Are film distributors cutting films in Thailand as well as censors? Who knows.
What is the scene now for young people in America? Well, here is a brief example from The New York Times, an increasing left-of-center but still great newspaper. Beneath a photo of young people sitting and lying on a floor the caption reads:
"Gathering. A Cuddle party in an East Village apartment. The concept involves a workshop that provides a drug- and alcohol-free environment where people meet to explore communication, boundaries, intimacy and nonsexual touch and expressions of affection. The promoters maintain that such an atmosphere might just help restore a participant's faith in humanity or at least provide a relaxing, enjoyable experience."
Actually, such an atmosphere might make me violently sick, and as my Korean ladyfriend in New York put it, it made her want to vomit. Such touchy, feely, oh-so-sensitive bullshit. I think I'll suggest this next time I visit Soi Cowboy. I'd like to meet with go go dancers to explore communication, boundaries, intimacy and nonsexual touch and expressions of affection. Quick, get me my barf bag. Well, once the Democrats win the election you can expect a lot more of this shit. Give me a nappy-headed ho, anytime.
Speaking of which, many years ago, when the Grace Hotel was still catering to middle class tourists from the West, in the famous coffee shop, a photographer friend gathered all the Thai girls with kinky hair (about a dozen) into one corner by promising them a drink. It was a strange sight: A very crowded room full of Western guys and Thai girls, most of the girls with long, straight hair except for one corner where they all had frizzy hair. All the while gentlemen from the sub-continent were selling gems and the weeks-old cakes in the display cases were turning a moldier shade of green. Ah, those were the days.
I was with Stephen Leather at Big Dogs, Nana, the other night when he opted to buy all the girls working there drinks. The bill came to well over two thousand baht. Steve is always generous with buying drinks. I hit Angelwitch quite late so that I would see some of the more recent shows and they were fine. The place (by Angelwitch standards) wasn't doing great business. I counted two empty seats. And I was in Angelwitch for nearly ten minutes during one of the show periods before I heard the crack of a whip. Matt must be slipping. The Tavern bar down the street from Nana Plaza run by Scott is a nice place to hang out and the regulars are always friendly. Jool's Bar next door has changed hands; Big Dave has retired and about two weeks ago his specially made, very huge, chair was removed from the bar. It didn't fit in the truck. Anyway, let's wish Matt, the new owner of Jool's (not same same Angelwitch owner Matt), the best of luck. Jool's Matt doesn't need a seat other than a regular chair.
My friend Leigh kindly took the time to check this out. This is posted at
the official Tourism Authority of Thailand booth in Siam Square:
"At least take the following basic precautions to avoid
slipping into the unseen trap of scum. Remember that most of the scum do
not work alone, therefore it is possible that you may initially jump into
their circle and lose first attention. Remember that a tourist attraction is
something that the scum will come to offer to."
No one can say the TAT is not attempting to warn tourists about street hustlers. Just remember the danger: You might initially jump into their circle and lose first attention.
Leigh relates this story as well, a great one: "I have a female
friend in America, and last time I was there I was telling her how pathetic
most of the American guys are
in Bangkok as far as their dealings with women. She laughed and told me this story:
She has worked in Washington DC for about 9 months. Every day anywhere from 1 to 5 guys ask her for her phone number. She always says that she doesn't give it out, but to give your number to her and she will call. After 6 months or so her roommate commented that SHE HAD A COUPLE HUNDRED BUSINESS CARDS IN A CANDY BOWL IN THE KITCHEN. Lets have some fun, heh? They divided them up and both agreed to call each guy, saying this is Mary Beth and we met a few months ago etc and would u like to meet me for lunch. They told each guy to wear black pants with a white shirt, and to bring a dozen white roses with him. They would meet at the fountain outside her office building.
Then at the agreed to time, they sat by the window in her office (12th
floor) and watched as OVER 100 GUYS WEARING BLACK PANTS/WHITE SHIRT AND
CARRYING WHITE ROSES BEGAN TO SHOW UP AND WAIT BY THE FOUNTAIN! It must have
been a hilarious scene as most of the guys figured out they had been duped.
Some just walked away. Some threw the flowers in the fountain. But she
said the most pathetic part was that 2 HOURS later, there were still 8 or 9
guys wandering haplessly around the fountain area STILL HOPING SHE WOULD SHOW
UP! I guess as a guy I should have been insulted, but I shared her low opinion
of most of my countrymen and just had to laugh at the story.
Thanks for that, Khun Leigh, I only wish your friend had captured the scene for YouTube. It would have been a winner!
On the 30th of April, we gathered at the Foreign Correspondents Club of Thailand for a candlelight vigil for BBC correspondent Alan Johnston who was abducted in Gaza by Muslim assholes. A very experienced journalist who had worked in the Middle East for years. He is now entering his eighth week of captivity. As far as I know, there have been no ransom demands. While this was going on, news on TV was all about the conviction of five of the seven Muslim terrorists in England who planned fertilizer bombs to blow up a nightclub, shopping mall, etc. The amazing thing is that as I listened to both BBC and SkyNews they spoke of the defendants, the home-grown terrorists, the individuals, etc., etc., but not once did I hear them mention the word "Muslim." Hello, hello, is anybody home or has political correctness become more important than the truth?
Did anybody make it to the Dance Contest at the Mandarin Bar, Nana Plaza? There are some good looking young ladies in there but I don't know who was dancing against whom or what the lottery was all about. Although I was in close proximity to the bar, I was, um, otherwise engaged. Oh, well, next time. Business at both Soi Cowboy and Nana Plaza seems "acceptable" this time of year as one bar owner put it but nothing to write home to mom about. This is also a slow time of the year for book sales although not as bad as January and February. And did you know the lady running Pam's on Soi Cowboy has after all these decades finally sold her bar? I never ventured there much but she must have had her regulars to have stayed in business so long. And across the way Our Place is being renovated by the same owner of Midnight Bar and all the others mentioned above. He's on a roll, I guess, I just hope he doesn't keep screwing up Soi Cowboy by mixing katoeys in with what is supposedly a bar for straight guys. Jumping a topic, I was in the Emporium looking for a Mother's Day card which is on or about the 13th, I think, and couldn't find any. Then I suddenly remembered that Mother's Day in Thailand is always on the Queen's birthday in August. No wonder they didn't have Mother's Day cards. Duh!
dear Khun Barrett,
oh my goodness, what a beauty queen!
Mr. Barrett, what a fine snapshot of the Tiger-Beer-Lady. Congratulations!
I am speechless. Yes, she is pretty, bewitching and charming and she makes me
singing and daydreaming. Seeing her photo I want to be 20 years younger and
I would say to her:
"Little Lady, listen to the rhythm of my heartbeat
and you'll get just what I mean.
Embrace me, my sweet embraceable you.
Embrace me, you irreplaceable you."
Her smile with the full inviting lips, her appealing gesture signalize that she is the
QUEEN, that she does not have any competition. The other service girls are only
extras, nothing more than supernumeraries, whose only task is to let her star
burning much brighter than all the others. She outshines all the others like the sun
surpasses its planets. In one word: she is gorgeous. Only one look at her picture and it becomes obvious that she has a lot of sex appeal and I am fascinated in a second by her radiant beauty and her bewitching eroticism. Yes, she has a great deal of erotic and seductive glamour. Her slim and well formed arms are like two Anacondas embracing a man tenderly. She is surrounded by a cloud of fascinating beauty and eroticism. She is indeed and beyond all question suay mak mak. Oh my goodness, I am melting away like snow in the sun.
Mr. Barrett, kop kun kraph mak mak for this photo.
I am carried away …Sorry for my bad English. I have nothing to offer but school English and that was more than 35 years ago.
Greetings from Hamburg / Deutschland
PS: I hope to get an answer from you. Charly alias Bakwahn
One night in Hamburg
makes a hard man humble
Charly, Many thanks for yours. But it isn't good to keep your feelings locked up inside yourself; why not tell us how you really feel about the Tiger lady? ;-) Why not fly to Bangkok and meet her? She might like living in Hamburg. You never know.
I have a tip for you. A couple of times I have heard you mention a fondness for Korean lasses. This past week the Thai language news apparently reported on a police raid of massage parlors in the Rachada area where they picked up around 100 Korean girls. My source did not know if they were from North or South Korea. Sadly, those unfortunate girls have been deported, but the good news is that this type of raid is normally instigated by the massage parlor owners who are ready to replace their current staff with new imports. (By timing the raids towards the end of a month, they also save on payroll. TIT) You might want to do some investigative reporting on where to find the best Kim Chi in Bangkok. I just returned to the States for a couple of months or I would happily investigate with you. JP
JP, what can I say? Amazing Thailand! I guess now I have to brush up on my Korean. Which won't be hard because about the only thing I can say in Korean is Cham i poom knee dah. (You are beautiful.) Thanks for the info.
Hello Mr. Bigshot Bookwriter--
Ok, it is not May 1st yet and technically the next installment of your website is not due yet. It is currently April 29th here in Boston which means it must be almost May 1st in Bangkok. Don't mess with me on this--I can read a colander as well as the next parole violator. So here is my question: WOULD IT KILL YOU . . . ? Would it kill you to put the damned next installment up a little early? I hate to go off on this but you know this website thing of yours is not exactly measuring out plutonium for nuclear stuff ya know? It's probably already done and edited now and you are just sitting around jackin' us off. We learned about guys like you in prison socialagist class. Sickopaths. That's you.
And we want to see more pictures of Fon. Especially tasteful pictures where she is putting something up on a high shelf, or leaning over outside touching frogs or something. A Fan
Hmmm. Why do I suddenly feel like John Lennon in front of the Dakota Building as Mark Chapman approached? But, hey, I love fans. And I love to accommodate fans. Even fans in Baked Bean Burg. But if I put the column up ahead of time then it wouldn't be fair to the others so I would have to keep notifying people of an earlier time for the column and keep moving it up to accommodate you which would eventually mean the column would be one month early with the news, ahead of Stick and Dave and all the rest. (Simple integregal, interlapable physics. See Hawkings & Dawkins Delusional Physics in the Age of YouTube & American Idol & Two O'clock Bar Closings.) How fair would that be?
Links You Might Enjoy
A video of a five-minute walk down Soi Cowboy. Click here and then click "preview videos."
Like to check out some bars in Thailand? Try
Like to know what music is playing where in Bangkok each week? Try http://www.bangkokgigguide.com.
Like to know more in depth about what music is playing where in Bangkok each week? Try this great site:
Tired of shoveling snow? Check out Bangkok's sunshine.
Bangkok's weather report.
A great site for listening to Thai Morlan music and other folk music of Southeast Asia.
A bit of black leather never hurts. But she does.
Our Lady in Black
Like to learn a bit about retiring in Asia?
Maps of all the provinces of Thailand
Links You Might Not Enjoy
T-Shirt Hell: for lovers of very black humor only.
Politically incorrect rants and raves from Uncle Fred.
Girlfriends looking for Taliban boyfriends.
Taliban Singles Dating Page
Do you have a product or service you would like to advertise on this website? You can, you know. In fact, you don’t have to have a product or service at all; you can just send me money. Or perhaps you would like me to plug a product or service that you are involved in? Sure, just send me cash. Be sure, however, to mark the outside envelope:
“Birthday money for Dean Barrett –
Absolutely No Bribe Enclosed”
Got feedback to this column? Got information on Thailand you would like to share? Happy as a dung beetle to be living in Paradise? Been ripped off? Just write me.
So enter and win 3,000 baht in food and drink vouchers, second prize is a "I Support Single Moms" T-shirt, courtesy of Peter, PJ and Jason, third prize the usual Nada diddly-squat. Last column's photograph was from the old Tobacco Monopoly area off of Sukhumvit soi 8/soi 10. And in Memoirs of a Bangkok Warrior Fat Eddy loved Noy the Laundry Girl.
For those of you hung over, look below to find a literary quotation. Just tell me who wrote it in what book and be the first to tell me and you are a winner. You are on the honor system here and if you fucking google it I will personally see to it that you never get laid in this town again. "In the kitchens of love, after all, vice is like the pepper in a good sauce; it brings out the flavor, it's indispensable. " Title Hint: Every nocturnal trip must terminate. Author hint: See if he is lean and mean.
That's all for this fortnightly column. Drop by again. Explore the rest of the website. Meanwhile, as the girls used to tell me during the 1960's: "I no lie you, GI, I love you long time; you number one!" And, remember: nothing says goodbye like a bullet. And the more people I meet the more bullets I need.
Dean Barrett can be flamed at: email@example.com
Back to the Welcome Page
You probably read about the Muslim children who killed their Christian teacher in Nigeria by beating her to death, supposedly for insulting the Koran during an exam. That is precisely what the Koran and Hadith teaches: kill anyone who criticizes the Koran or Islam. And yet leftists around the world treat warnings against Islam with derision. You see, the so-called good Muslims are the ones who don't go out and wage war for Islam; but that doesn't mean they are not just as brainwashed and indoctrinated as the ones who do.
And it is worth repeating that in no Muslim country in the world do minorities have equal rights with Muslims. But whenever Muslims are in the minority, they demand respect for their religion and demand everyone bow to their demands. Please spare me the usual line about how a few fanatics have "hijacked" Islam. Didn't you ever wonder why it is so easy for this so-called religion to be hijacked? Could it be because Islam is far more of a fanatical brotherhood than it is a religion? This is not a religion of turning the other cheek, as Jimmy Carter found out the hard way. Children kill their teacher because the hatred is in the Koran, the Hadith, and in what is taught. This is exactly the kind of intolerance and fanaticism that should never exist in a nuclear age. I wonder at what point leftists will finally wake up. Too late, as always.
in Iran warns two women about their dress...
which is apparently quite scintillating by Islamic standards. (I get an erection just looking at that uncovered feminine hair, don't you?) And men in Iran are not allowed to wear neckties or bowties as it is considered a devilish Western invention. Talk about a fucked-up culture. I'll never complain about American Idol again. Courtesy: ROP
"The world's largest Islamic organisation appealed to the Surayud government on March 30th to provide safety for Muslims in the deep South. The Organisation of the Islamic Conference (OIC) secretary-general Professor Ekmeled-din Ihsanoglu met with Foreign Minister Nitya Pibulsonggram for an hour in Bangkok yesterday."
Right, Muslims are beheading and burning Buddhists but the world's largest Islamic organization cares about the safety of Muslims. Meanwhile, "suspected separatist insurgents in Southern Thailand on Monday killed a Buddhist father and son, beheaded the father and set their bodies on fire." That's number 28 beheaded and counting.