Welcome to my website.  Unlike the universe, this website has a purpose: to offer rants, tirades, opinions and discussion about books on Thailand, give an overview of nightlife in Thailand and, yes, to provide a few news items which might not appear elsewhere.  And to have some fun.

Bar, club and restaurant owners who would like to send material on their special events, birthday bashes, anniversary parties, etc., are welcome to do so but please remember men in Thailand are a bit jaded so if you’re just going to offer the usual free gourmet food and free full band entertainment and free beautiful and eager-to-please women, well, the lads have been there, done that. So do try to offer potential patrons something special. ;-)

There is a contest every two weeks when this column appears and the first to answer the question correctly or identify a photograph correctly will receive vouchers worth at least 3,000 baht in food and drink, i.e., 500 baht each, from Larry's Dive, The Londoner, The Old Dutch, Electric Blue, The Big Mango and Bourbon Street Cafe. The prizes will build up in case anyone doesn't win it immediately so the bonanza for the eventual winner could get quite interesting.  Second prize is one of my books or else a 500-baht book gift voucher from Dasa Books.

I will also add information to a column as I receive it or report on nightlife as I encounter it so check back now and again as there may be much new even within a week or ten days.  And please remember a part of all money received from the sale of my books goes to needy Thais (in the form of payment to go go dancers, waitresses and hostesses).

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OK, this is it!  You asked for them, you begged for them, you beseeched and threatened me to put them up or else!  It was truly a Mission Impossible but for my readers nothing is too great a challenge.  Sure, they are adorable and feminine and charming and all that - but until now much too camera shy to ever be photographed.  I had to use my rapidly fading charm to the hilt, undergo dangerous missions with more narrow escapes than in an Eric Ambler novel, fight my way through flooded highways and snake-filled ricefields, call in favors from Travis McGee and Sam Spade, cut deals with desperados more dangerous than those involved in the theft of the Maltese Falcon, and cross palms with silver in smoke-filled rooms, but, never mind my suffering - here they are: the never-yet photographed TWINS OF ANGELWITCH!  Aren't you glad now you read this site instead of StickBonkTrinkSaucePongPlaza?  And just as a reminder, here at left and right are the other twins.  Ah, yes, for a fevered, oversexed mind in need of perpetual fantasies, there is nothing quite like two for one.  Do you have a preference for either set of twins?  If so, send me a note as to which set you prefer and why.  Be creative; and if you can't be creative at least be prurient. 

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OK, let me see if I got this straight: a taxi driver dislikes the latest coup in Thailand so he paints his taxi with slogans and crashes it into a tank.  He goes to the hospital, comes out OK, says he might do it again, then hangs himself, leaving a note that he fights for democracy or something like that.  So I guess my question is:  Where was this guy when Taksin was cleverly and ruthlessly destroying democracy in Thailand and crushing and ridiculing and suing any opposition to his increasingly dictatorial rule?  Sometimes I think there are a lot of unbalanced people out there; sometimes I think I may be unbalanced.  Maybe both surmises are correct.

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself .......Mark Twain

And did you see the local papers about how girls as young as 13 are selling themselves for sex in order to buy the latest cellphone or fashionable outfit (shock!  Horror!  Oh, God, pass the smelling salts, Martha!)?  The thing about articles like this you have to know is that they all have a common denominator:  They are shallow articles not in-depth; they appear every so often, like floods; they help to sell newspapers.  They change nothing.  The obvious way to put an end to this practice is to ban all cellphones and fashionable outfits.  That way young girls would have nothing to spend their sexually earned money on.  Why can't the Thai government come up with logical plans like that?

An English friend of mine confessed that when he was growing up in England he was worried that he might be a homosexual, because he wasn't very attracted to women.  Then he came to Thailand and went bonkers over Thai women.  He finally realized that his problem had been that he simply wasn't attracted to fat, white women.

One night Al Eberhardt brought his friend Jim Webb and Webb's son to the Londoner Pub and as way led on to way we ended up on Soi Cowboy and finally in Suzie Wong a go go.  His son, being young and handsome (as I once was, I assure you) was sought after by a lot of the young entertainment providers but managed to beat them off with a stick.  Jim wrote some of the best fiction on Vietnam (Fields of Fire) where he was in the Marines and very much in combat.  He was also Secretary of the Navy under Reagan and his wife is a beautiful Vietnamese lady.  Now Jim has just been elected senator of Virgina (Democrat).  Way to go, Jim, and congratulations from us Bangkok Warriors!  Y'all come back, heah? 

I love to read the Pattaya papers to see all the underbelly stories that never make the Bangkok English language papers.  This time, the Germans win hands down, with at least three hits: "German man used fake gun to rob bank" and "Immigration police re-arrest blacklisted Ulrich" and "German man kills girlfriend and then commits suicide."  And, of course, there is the usual story of a Thai guy who stole women's panties from a clothesline.  The Thai guy was finally caught and admitted to stealing the panties because he loves to sniff women's underwear.  The thing is, though, he is stealing panties which have been washed and are drying on a line.  So, um, at that stage in the process, what's to sniff?  And, by the way, there was another fire in a Pattaya hotel.  Some foreigners hurt, no deaths.  Inasmuch as we tend to be a bit soused when returning to hotel rooms in Pattaya, make certain you know where the exits are. 

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Pattaya Go-go Update

The man or rather the legend known as Polecat in Pattaya has decided to contribute regularly to this column.  So be advised should you be planning a trip to that NeverNeverland by the Sea, you might wish to check the latest here first.  This time the Polecat focuses on afternoon bars.

TABOO OR NOT TABOO?

The latest agogo to open in the Covent Garden complex (Walking Street Soi 16) is TABOO. You enter through solid wood double-doors and cross a humped steel bridge over a shallow moat; but any hopes of arriving in a cavernous dungeon echoing with the piteous cries of maidens in distress are dashed by a space akin to a New York City loft, c.1987 (OK, I geddit, 9½ Weeks, right?), with black walls, aluminum and steel trim, and mile-long sofas on black-painted decking. Peer through the gloom, use your Sadean imagination to the full, and I guess you could transform the smiling, averagely cute dancers in microkilts into whatever taboo-artists you desire, as they wiggle and pout to a disco beat from circular railed platforms in the style of the excellent VIP agogo. Coyote dancers in sexy streetwear perform solo on smaller stages. The mamasan and hostesses are keen to make a good impression and, despite stiff competition from other bars in this complex, with a slew of eager ladies under 35 this new kid on the block is definitely worth a visit. Happy hour 8 till 10, with draught beer 50 baht, bottled beers 70 baht. 5-star bathroom.

BLUE IS BACK

Fans of the Patpong CLUB ELECTRIC BLUE, and the former agogo of that name at the lower end of Walking Street, which in its heyday was a huge rocking barn of a go-go bar with some of the sexiest, sauciest dancers in town, will be pleased to see the name back, albeit attached to a modest single shop-front agogo in Diamond Passage. Some very toothsome lasses dancing in nothing but woolly socks, cheap draught beer, but mamasan asking 1500 baht as a girl’s short-time fee, an increasing trend in the classier Walking Street joints.

LAZING ON A SUNNY AFTERNOON

Afternoons can hang heavy in Pattaya, with bars having only a skeleton staff (so called, no doubt, because the day shift is sadly nearer the winter of its life than the spring), few freelancers, the beaches clogged and the water filthy. So what better place to while away the time and enjoy life’s innocent pleasures than in a go-go bar! From 1pm you can choose from 3 Pattaya institutions: TAHITIAN QUEEN on Beach Road, and FAR EAST ROCK and CLUB NEVADA, both in Soi Post Office. All provide a gritty rock-classics sound-track, from the Stones, Doors and Cream, to really modern stuff like The Pretenders.

TQ (http://www.tahitianqueen.com/), which claims to be the longest-running agogo in Pattaya, is more of a clubby-pubby place, narrow and dark with a good supply of dancers (shift-change at 7pm) keeping their underwear in place, and the many ex-pat regulars happy to spend their Western salaries or retirement funds on entertaining cuties with drinks (all around 100 baht), or just chin-wagging among themselves. This is where you can meet members of the Jesters Motorcycle Club.

NEVADA and FAR EAST are raunchier: from bench-seating on both sides of the central stage you can view the very experienced dancers showing whatever they want. The other day in Nevada, at one point all six dancers were wearing only shoes. Clientele tends to be baby-boomer, and the girls are disarmingly free of inhibitions; though I did want to say, Get a room, when a white-haired, shrunk-limbed gentleman went down on his knees to lap at the Fount of Venus. His pretty young victim shrieked with laughter – and collected a 100 baht tip. You can, in fact, get a room: all in, it’ll cost you 1300 baht in TQ and NEVADA, 1500 baht in FAR EAST.

LOVE IN THE AFTERNOON

Still in Soi Post Office, from 3.30pm there’s the wonderfully chummy HOT AND COLD, with a range of dancers from tongue-pierced teenagers to willowy young grandmothers dancing demurely in flimsy little skirts with nothing underneath. But once off-stage they’re eager beavers, so to speak, and work tirelessly to encourage you to relax with them upstairs. A flexible mamasan helps the customer find what he wants, asking a 1300 baht flat fee; though with draught beer at 45 baht, you can hardly fail to have a good time just sitting and playing.

At 3pm on Walking Street a small, related group of bars opens for dancing: NUI’S CLUB, HOT GIRLS, and NEW STAR (the first bar on the left in Diamond Arcade). Cheap draught beer and, for a reasonably priced lady-drink or two, you’re guaranteed lots of attention. In NUI’S the girls are very keen for you to join them upstairs, but for an all-in fee of 2000 baht per girl it’s hardly surprising. These bars have a shift-change at 8pm, and both shifts at HOT GIRLS do have some hot girls (but avoid 10-11pm, unless watching a homely solo performer doing vaginal tricks thrills your marrow). NEW STAR, usually shunned, is still a bit of a horror-show in the evening, but it’s got some attractive girls on the afternoon shift, and all very keen to spend quality time with farangs, in 2s and 3s if need be.

NOTE: This is the only go-go action on Walking Street till 8pm.

MORE AFTERNOON DELIGHT

Had enough … beer? cloth-free dancing? lipstick on your collar before getting home to the missus? In Soi Pattayaland 2 you can play pool afternoons at the KITTEN CLUB http://www.penthousehotel.com/cats_niteclub/kitten_bar.htm), with draught beer a phenomenal 29 baht till 7pm; or watch mums dressed as schoolgirls in CLASSROOM (http://www.classroom1.com/), where happy hour finishes at 6. At 4.30pm the superior WORLD WIDE agogo on Beach Road opens with dancers wearing a fetching black-with-white-trim bra and miniskirt; and by 6 a few more have opened across town. But around this time you’ll want to get back to your room and get some z’s in before the whole carnival bursts into life again at 8.

Congratulations to CHAMPAGNE agogo (Soi LK Metro) for having a packed house on Sundays at 4.30pm! The secret? Serving a free buffet of delicious hot shepherd’s pie with peas and carrots and barbecue sausages, fresh fruit for afters, eat till you drop.

SHAVED BY THE BELL

The Polecat Award for Enterprise goes this month to the bell-boy at a top Pattaya hotel who tells male guests he can get them a lovely young girl for only 5,000 baht all night. If they object that this is considerably higher than the rate asked in bars, he says, “Yes but bar-lady no good, have disease. I get you nice clean lady, do anything.” Then he motorbikes to a backstreet bar at the other end of town, recruits the requisite number of girls, takes them back to the hotel, and the next day collects 50 per cent of the fee.

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Reports keep coming in that Kloster beer has disappeared from Nana Plaza but is available on Soi Cowboy.  Some say the contract ran out.  Some say there is a contract out.  If I didn't know that in Thailand all is above board, I might suspect something strange or someone up to no good.

Ande Grimwade of Club Electric Blue and friends are opening a new bar in Soi Diamond this week, Tramps Showbar above Windwill.  Also next saturday, 18 November, is Ande's birthday and there will be a big birthday bash in Club Electric Blue, Soi Diamond.  Meanwhile, some Patpong bars report business is picking up, Pretty Lady at Nana Plaza is still closed due to various internecine and complicated squabbles, and Soi Cowboy dancers have to wear skimpy clothes some nights but not on others when the coast is clear.  Confusing but fun. As usual, Rawhide is fun and, in my opinion, the girls there are prettier than the ones in Long Gun, a real switcheroo.  Long Gun needs to change the wooden seats into something more comfortable.  Unless you are a midget, you won't be comfortable, and if you are not comfortable, you are more likely to leave.  No?  Sukhumvit soi 31 has made enormous changes over the last three years, with a Thai bookstore, restaurants, the old Koreana Korean restaurant is now the Blue Orchid Japanese club, the Euro Inn has retooled and renamed itself.  And now PJ's Steak & Rib Grill has opened.  Yes, the very same inimitable PJ who was at Old Dutch and Lucky Luke's.  Haven't tried the food yet but the menu looks great.  A whole shelf full of Belgian beer including Kwak beer, about 8 percent alcohol, I believe.  And of course Kwak beer is served in its traditional round-bottomed glass.  Give it a try!

A German friend of mine took an afternoon off to try out the much-lauded Eden Club on Sukhumvit soi 7/1.  He agreed to answer questions if I bought him beers while we talked.  So it was.

Me: When did you go there and why?

Hans: I heard it was a fun place to take two ladies into a room for 90 minutes.  I went on a Sunday afternoon.

Me: They are open in the afternoon?

Hans: Yes, about 1 and close at midnight.

Me: So, how did it go?

Hans: I went in the front door on soi 7/1 but if you are shy you can go in the white back door on soi 9.  There were only about ten girls to choose from, none great looking, but I took the two best.

Me:  I heard it is a great place for fantasies and that you tell the manager what you want and he pairs you up with the right girls.

Hans: Nothing like that.  Nobody asked me anything so I picked the two girls and they took me outside on soi 9 and we walked through an outdoor kitchen with people preparing food and cutting up beef and stuff and inside up some stairs and into a room with a big bed.

Me: How was the room?

Hans: Too small.  Shabby.  Big bed but the bed took up most of the room and the ceiling was too low.  I banged my head on the TV.  Tiny shower.  It was like a short time room in a low class hotel.

Me: How were the girls?

Hans: Fine.  They were willing to do what I wanted but one had tattoos all over.  I didn't like that but didn't know it when she was dressed.

Me: So after 90 minutes you washed up and went home?

Hans: I washed up and went down to pay.  You pay after and if you are not satisfied you don't pay.  Three Thousand six hundred baht.

Me: It was almost one hundred dollars then.

Hans: Yeah.

Me: So was it worth it?

Hans: Not for me.  For some it would be.  It was too hard core.

Me: I thought Germans liked hard core. 

Hans: You been watching too many World War II movies.

Me: But, in fairness to Eden Club, then, the glass is half full or half empty.  I mean, if people like hard core and don't care about how the room looks, or don't need beautiful women, it's a good place; and if they don't care for hard core and like atmosphere and beautiful women then they should go to a massage parlor or specialized club like Demonia.  That a fair statement?

Hans: Yeah. More beer.

Speaking of books, I got quite a good review in Farang: Untamed Travel magazine for Don Quixote in China: The Search for Peach Blossom Spring.  I mention this for two reasons: First, by their own admission they seldom find the products of local writers worthy of a good review, and second because before praising the book the reviewer speculated as to whether or not I was a genuine "unrepentant whoremonger."  As I say, it was not only a good review but a colorful one; however, first of all, there are no whores in Bangkok.  Prostitution is illegal so why would an unrepentant whoremonger live in a country with no whores?  We do, however, have an abundant supply of Entertainment Providers with whom over the years I have established a nodding acquaintance.  As I love language, I wonder if instead of "whoremonger" we might say that in some quarters I was thought to be a known recipient of Entertainment Providers' beneficence.  Doesn't that sound much better?

Great Answer to a Dumb Question Dept: Katie Couric, while interviewing a Marine sniper, asked: "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?"
The Marine shrugged and replied: "Recoil."

The Thai government is now talking about allowing Muslims in southern Thailand to have Sharia law applied in various areas.  Sharia law is a disaster, especially if you happen to be a woman, and my understanding was that there was only one set of laws in Thailand for everyone.  Name one Muslim country that gives breaks like that to its minority.  Peace in southern Thailand would be peachy-keen, to be sure.  But at what price?  Latest flap about Muslims is in Australia and comments about gang rape of Australian girls by Muslim men.  As you can see from the photo, it happens in Sweden too. Would you care to see what Muslim "holy men" do to Hindus in Bangladesh?  Click here but the picture is very graphic: Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction

You might want to check out the latest issue of American postage stamps.

In case you haven't noticed, some of the girls dressed in various beer-themed or other alcohol outfits are really cute.  A lot of them are also university students working their way through school.  So if you are a young man with a bit of common sense and an ample income, you could do a lot worse than to strike up a conversation with one of these lovely lasses.  There is a small problem in that they often move around, sometimes, for example, working in the Londoner on a Friday, then Q Bar on Saturday, then maybe the Bull's Head on Tuesday.  So you can either wait until she comes around to your favorite pub again or you can show up wherever she works.  Should you wait, you might lose her to one of the many horny men in this town with a fat income and a blarney tongue.  Should you show up where she works all the time, she might think you are stalking her.  Ah, yes, the many problems of young men in Bangkok.  As I am not young, possess no common sense and have no ample income, I need not concern myself over such issues.

More political correctness run amuck: An American fitness club (the Planet Fitness Club in New York) with a long list of dos and don'ts for its members expelled one of them for grunting while he was lifting weights.   Meanwhile, pupils in a school in Cornwall, England have been ordered to stop hugging each other as it makes them late for lessons and could lead to "inappropriate" embraces.  Someone asked if smiling would be banned next.  Probably.

Some idiot began a site parodying Stickman.  Not many paid attention and of course the guy has a great need for attention so he then did his best to hurt Stickman's site.  Stickman e-mailed the guy and said he'd like to talk on the phone but the guy is a typical keyboard warrior and refused to talk except in e-mail. The guy then put what should have been private e-mail up on his site and did a number of other unethical things.  The guy hides behind the name John Galt but his real name is Keith Summers.  As of this writing Stickman's site is back up, but not the weekly column.  When you think of the incredible hours over the years he must have spent to build it up, I would say he deserves to have a few ads and some success with it.  Summers is some kind of pathetic psychopath who can't stand the success of others.  His lame excuses for doing what he did don't hold water.  Here's hoping the pathetic asshole gets his just desserts.  I would say more but don't want to give him any further attention.

They say we all have a dark side and it sure is beginning to look like it.  Representative Mark Foley, champion of child protection, turned out to be a homosexual chasing kids in e-mail.  Then the evangelist, Ted Haggard, was found to be bisexual and doing drugs.  This kind of thing happens when we try to construct lives that don't relate to our inner selves, our inner needs, our inner desires.  Jimmy Swaggart and Bill Clinton were both obviously bored by their boring wives, at least boring sexually, so they began looking elsewhere, with baaaad results.  So my advice to anyone caught in this trap is, as the Phantom of the Opera said, give in to your Dark Side.  Because sooner or later you will be outed in some way and the longer you wait the worse it will be; and the more time you will have wasted trying to be what you are not.  I have even heard it said that here in Bangkok older men sometimes play about with beautiful Thai women less than half their age.  For shame!  So if you come upon a man giving in to this Velly velly dark side, be sure to report him to the proper authorities; assuming such exists in Thailand.

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. ..P.J. O'Rourke

Hmmm.  I think I better put an extra lock on the door from now on and alert the not-terribly-alert night watchman that there is an enraged fan on the loose.  I should point out though, that after age 50, I stopped looking in the mirror.  Living in Bangkok, I don't have to look in the mirror; I just look in my pocket.  If I find a one-thousand-baht bill, I paste it to my forehead and walk into a bar and am instantly transformed into a hansum man.  But it does seem that the disastrous Big Dig in Boston might have unhinged more than a few tunnel tiles...

Ah, khun Dana, I see you have come down from your latest high and are back in the world once again.  As we used to say in Thailand in the old days, never dance with the mate if you can dance with the captain.  No, wait, I'm getting mixed up; that was a saying of tall ship sailors in the days of the windjammers.  I meant to say we were both of us born under the gun and educated on the bowsprit.  Purser rigged and parish damned!  No wait, that's from the tall ship sailor days too.  Damn! That's what I get for spending years researching Hangman's Point: I can't talk normal anymore.  I like the female legs in boots part but beyond that you leave me a bit befuddled: I didn't know there were katoey girl bands.  What would their band names be: Half and Half?  The Changeovers?  The GRS Girls (gender reassignment surgery girls)?  The Silicones?  Man, we have come a long, looong way from Benny Goodman, I can tell you that. "Sweet Jesus on a cracker."  I like that expression.  You wouldn't be a southern boy, now, would yah?  In fact, I shall use that very expression next time an entertainment provider names her price.  "You pay me two thousand baht."  What!?  Sweet Jesus on a cracker!  you outta you' mind, girl!"  Except that to the Thai ear "cracker" would sound a bit like "pecker" and I don't want to sound irreligious, if you see where I'm coming from.  How bout "sweet Mohammad on a marshmallow"?  How bout, oh, shit, I gotta cut down on drinking black russians. 

Anyway, although I don't know katoey bands from diddly-squat, I do get the Erotic Writer's newsletter which among other gems says: "Browsing the lesbian erotica, I noticed another highly focused collection, DARK ANGELS: LESBIAN VAMPIRE EROTICA, that sounds extremely -- juicy."  So maybe somebody can start a lesbian vampire band if it hasn't occurred already.  And did you know the erotic newsletter has a special "Smutter's Lounge"?  Some people know how to build a site!

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Links You Might Enjoy

A video of a five-minute walk down Soi Cowboy.  Click here and then click "preview videos."

http://www.pbar.info/videos.html

Like satire on Thailand?  Try

http://www.farangaffairs.com.

Like to know what music is playing where in Bangkok each week?  Try http://www.bangkokgigguide.com.

Like to know more in depth about what music is playing where in Bangkok each week?  Try this great site:

http://www.bangkokjungle.com.

Tired of shoveling snow?  Check out Bangkok's sunshine.

Bangkok's weather report.

A great site for listening to Thai Morlan music and other folk music of Southeast Asia.

www.monsoon-country.org

A bit of black leather never hurts.  But she does.

Our Lady in Black

Like to learn a bit about retiring in Asia?

http://www.retiredexpat.com

Maps of all the provinces of Thailand

http://www.thailand-guide.org/maps/index.htm

T-Shirt Hell: for lovers of very black humor only. 

http://www.tshirthell.com.

Politically incorrect rants and raves from Uncle Fred.

http://www.fredoneverything.net

Girlfriends looking for Taliban boyfriends.

Taliban Singles Dating Page

Do you have a product or service you would like to advertise on this website? You can, you know. In fact, you don’t have to have a product or service at all; you can just send me money. Or perhaps you would like me to plug a product or service that you are involved in? Sure, just send me cash. Be sure, however, to mark the outside envelope:

“Birthday money for Dean Barrett –

Absolutely No Bribe Enclosed”

Got feedback to this column?  Got information on Thailand you would like to share?  Happy as a dung beetle to be living in Paradise?  Been ripped off?  Just write me.

An incredible number of correct answers to last week's questions.  Charles Bukowski's Factotum and Nabokov's Lolita.  Do you all read Bukowski or is it that you know how to google his quotes?  Anyway, this week, be the first to answer this question and win 3,000 baht in food and drink vouchers, second prize one of my books, third prize the usual diddly-squat.  In both the book and the film, the man is a master assassin and a superb shot with his very special made-to-order assassin rifle.  He has the tall, haughty French leader in his sights.  He can't miss.  He does miss.  Why?  What was his nickname for this assignment?  Who wrote the book? 

That's all for this fortnightly column.  Drop by again.  Explore the rest of the website.  Meanwhile, as the girls used to tell me during the 1960's: "I no lie you, GI, I love you long time; you number one!"  And, remember: nothing says goodbye like a bullet.  And the more people I meet the more bullets I need.

Dean Barrett can be flamed at: deanbarr@loxinfo.co.th

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